A Memory

I wanted to write this down so I don't forget:

Yesterday morning, Scott had to leave around 5 a.m. to go meet someone for a breakfast meeting 2 hours away. He does this occasionally to be at a dairy during milking or feeding time. When he leaves, he kneels by my side while I'm in bed, holds me, kisses me, and tells me how much he loves me. It. Is. The. Best. And then I get to fall back asleep.

Later in the day, I remembered how, when we used to have a dairy, he would do this each and every morning. Sometimes it was at 3:30 a.m., others it was at 6. But I loved it. If I happened to be awake around 6 when he left I would stay in bed pretending to still be asleep so that he would go through the same routine. And I was sadly disappointed on the days I had to get up before him, which was rare.

Now, it only happens about once a month, and I didn't realize until this afternoon how much I missed that sweet little start to my day. We're so busy with kids and jobs and life that taking 30 seconds out to focus only on each other is just a really special moment, something we need to work harder to make a priority.

An Answer to Prayer

I’ve been struggling a lot lately. 

Do you ever pray and pray and pray about something and never get an answer? Not even a “no” or “wait” or even any peace about it? I’ve been wrestling with this one particular something off and on for the past 6 weeks.  I have good days and bad days, days where I am supremely confident and days when I seriously question if what I am doing is hurting those I love the most. I’ve let it consume me and define who I am as a person. It’s not been a happy time in my life.

One day last week I was at a breaking point. I was exhausted, tired of crying, tired of praying, tired of stressing, and oh-so-ready to just give up.  It was an unseasonably cool day and I decided to go for a walk with my baby, just to get some fresh air. I love the winding, picturesque dirt road next to my house- it’s my favorite place to run and clear my head. Our neighbors also just built a new road through their property around a large tank and I was eager to explore (I had been given permission. Don’t trespass. Especially in Texas.) so we started off at a brisk pace.

Again, I found myself praying, no, begging God for some kind of peace over this current thorn in my flesh. I turned the power walk into a prayer walk, and it wasn’t long until the tears started flowing. I texted two friends that I had confided in a few weeks ago and told them I could use some prayers, that I was really struggling at the moment. Their replies came quickly with offers to come help in any possible way, full of love and support.

My daughter slept most of the way, but woke up and started to fuss with a half mile to go. I started singing “Jesus Loves Me” but that wasn’t cutting it. I opened up a playlist on my phone and hit “play”.

Then came the answer to my constant prayers and restless heart.

The first song was “Completely” by Among the Thirsty.

“I'm feeling so small
Standing here weeping
As I'm coming clean
Of the secrets I'm keeping
I've caused so much pain
To the ones I love the most
And I'm falling apart
As I carry my heart to Your throne

I am completely surrendering
Finally giving You everything
You're my redeemer, I run to the cross
Because You are more than enough
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely”

That was it. That was what God was asking me to do, to surrender, to stop striving, to give Him space and let Him work. I sang/mouthed/sobbed those words and the rest of the song as a confession and felt so much weight lifting off my shoulders, even carrying my 10 pound baby in a sling. I praised God in that moment first for His answer to prayer and second for the relief I felt at finally not holding on for one. more. second.

As if that wasn’t enough, God gave me another answer in the next song, “Come as you Are” by Crowder.

“Come out of sadness from wherever you've been
Come broken hearted let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner, come kneel

Earth has no sorrow
That Heaven can't heal

So, lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer, come home
You're not too far
So, lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are”

The invitation and the promise that He could and would fix it, that no burden was too great, that he felt my broken heart and longed to restore it, I just had to relinquish control first and come to Him whole-heartedly. It would be another two days before my situation improved dramatically. But in those two days I had something I’d been lacking: patience, clarity, and hope. And hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:5).

From the bottom of my broken now mended heart: thank you to my sisters in Christ, Jennifer Maxwell and Sara Whitworth, for standing in the gap and interceding on my behalf. Friends, our Lord heard your prayers. 

What I Learned on my "Summer Vacation"

Last June, my in-laws went on a vacation that combined two of their favorite things: the church and the mountains.  For the past 30 years, the Red River Family Encampment has been blessing the lives of campers in the mountains of New Mexico through time spent in praise and worship, excellent speakers, and a variety of Bible classes. My in-laws came home raving about it and bribed their children with paying for the accommodations if we would commit to going. Shortly after the cabin was booked, we found out I was pregnant with our second child. A quick look at the calendar confirmed that we would most likely be taking a 6 week old newborn and our 4 year old with us on vacation…. Hesitantly, we decided to make the 9 hour drive for the week-long trip.

Any mom knows that vacation when you are with children isn’t really a vacation. You are still Mommy, just at the beach, or in the mountains, or at Disneyland. There are still 3 am feedings, baths, dirty clothes, blow-out diapers, and can I get a cyber-hug for the over-tired, different time zone bed time battles with a 4 year old and newborn sleeping in the same room 2 feet from the adjoining in-laws room?? I failed to realize this. I had psyched myself up for our first vacation in nearly 3 years. We were going where it was cooler and rainier, there was a lot to see and do, I was going to get to re-connect with my husband.  Most importantly, and we were going to hear some awesome speakers and recharge, something this tired, post-partum momma desperately needed.

Notsomuch.

Do you remember Sundays with small children? Trying to get everyone up and fed and dressed to get to church on time? A child not wanting to go to Bible class? Keeping children occupied and quiet for an hour during the sermon? Walking around and patting and bouncing and swaying with a newborn outside or in the foyer (completely missing the sermon) so they would go to sleep, only to have someone touch them or a loud noise startle them awake?!?!  Hoping for a long Sunday afternoon nap, only to realize you had something else scheduled that afternoon before going back for evening services?  THAT was what I did on my summer vacation. For five days.

How I spent my summer vacation....

It was ugly, and we were miserable. In the presence of ALL my in-laws (it was a small cabin). Our misery was brought into sharp focus for me by watching said in-laws having a great time, going to do fun things together, relaxing, and getting so much out of the camp. Yes, they helped out every now and again when they could tell we were at the absolute breaking point or to give us 5 minutes to eat or shower. But it was their vacation, too, so we tried not to pawn our kids off on them any more than necessary.

I was insanely jealous. If anyone ever needed to have fun and recharge and relax, it’s the parents of a 6 week old. My husband would take our son to go fishing or hiking or to play on the playground while I was stuck feeding or getting the baby back to sleep. He would keep him occupied during sermons while I paced back and forth outside with her.  I remember sitting in a sermon at camp watching my sisters-in-law take notes and thinking, “I hope they know how lucky they are!”   It was very isolating.

One night, as I was inside trying to get the children to sleep and everyone else was outside visiting and playing games, it dawned on me what was going on. I texted my dear friend, who was also at the camp.  I knew she was in her hotel by herself trying to get her child to sleep as well, because her husband was outside visiting with my husband.

Me:     “Sorry it’s late…. Does it sound strange to say that I think Satan has been after me this week? Keeping me from hearing the gospel, worshiping, and studying? And then wearing me out so much with the kids that when I can attend a class I can’t stay focused?”

Her:    “No, not at all. I’ve kinda been in the same mood. I think he will do anything he can to keep us from learning/worshiping.”

That thought changed my focus for the rest of the trip (read: 2 days) but I forgot about it until this past Sunday morning. We’ve had an over-tired, fussy, restless baby on our hands this past week. We’ve done anything and everything we can to get her to go to sleep and to stay asleep. In fact, she hasn’t slept more than 2 ½ hours at a time this whole week. Saturday we kind of turned a corner and she got some great naps in and went to bed very easily. I only got up with her once and she went back to sleep around 4:30 am. I had set my alarm for 7:30 so we’d have plenty of time to get ready for Sunday services, but we woke up at 8 (which never happens- 4 year old and a baby, remember?). We rushed around and got ready and then went to wake up the kids.

And here’s where we got caught: we made the decision to not wake up the baby, and that I would stay home with her and let her sleep.  I found myself cleaning the kitchen when I should have been in Bible class and realized what had happened. Once again, Satan had used my children as pawns to keep me from learning and worshiping.

I read a blog not too long ago called “When Satan Steals Your Motherhood” about how easy it is for him to use the insurmountable task of raising children to breed bitterness, weariness, and hopelessness inside a mother’s heart. That really hit home with me. What I see him doing now is taking it a step further and using them to prevent young parents from learning, praying and worshiping.

How many times have I had to leave a service or Bible class with a crying child? How many times have I just gotten into bed at the end of a long day and skipped my nightly Bible reading? In truth, my prayers since my baby has been born have been primarily something along the lines of, “Please Dear God, let this baby go to sleep.” I also admit that I don’t even take my Bible to worship anymore- I use the Bible app on my phone (sorry to any preachers who thought I was texting!) because it’s too hard to turn pages and hold a squirmy baby (disclaimer: I am not saying Bible apps are wrong, but I am a visual learner and I need to take notes and highlight and underline to fully absorb a lesson). When I do get to sit in the pew during a sermon I am most likely trying to keep my 4 year old quiet or I have zoned out from sleep deprivation.  How many times have I just wanted to skip Wednesday night Bible class altogether because it’s been a long week and we won’t get home until well after bedtime? So many times I sit down to take a break during naptime to read or write and it’s like a cue for the baby to wake up.

Parents everywhere are thinking, “That’s just part of raising children, at least you are bringing them to church!” There is a lot to be said for setting an example and establishing a routine. But this pattern is going to be my norm for at least eight years.

• ·         EIGHT YEARS without fully hearing or focusing on a sermon.
• ·         EIGHT YEARS being distracted during praise & worship.
• ·         EIGHT YEARS hoping your kid doesn’t knock over the communion trays instead of taking in the weight of what those symbols represent.
• ·         EIGHT YEARS being so busy caring for others that sitting down to read the Bible for 15 minutes seems like a huge guilty luxury.
• ·         EIGHT YEARS of missing out on close fellowship because I am constantly making sure my kids aren’t about to fall off the slide on the playground after services.

That’s a whole lot of missed time worshiping, meditating, studying, and communing with Christ and spending time the Word and with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

Parents are specifically instructed to teach their children, the next generation of believers, about Christ and His love for us in order to perpetuate the Kingdom of Heaven. Satan has got to see that if he makes it sooo hard to bring children to worship and Bible class that he has prevented the next generation from knowing and loving God. What are the old proverbs? "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure?" "The best defense is a great offense?" If you don't believe that he will use every single trick in the book to attempt to stop God's people from becoming strong in the Lord, get ready to be blind-sided, just like I was. 

So what’s the solution? First, I think recognizing that, like my friend said, Satan can use anything from keep us from worshiping and learning- even our precious children. Recognize that attending services and singing praises to the Lord is very threatening to Satan. Second, do what you can to study, worship, and pray outside of formal services and classes; learn when and while you can. This is huge. My new biggest piece of advice to expecting parents is to build up their relationship with Christ as much as possible before the bundle of joy arrives, so that they are used to seeking Him in everything, even at 3 a.m. Bonus, when you study outside of the church setting, you are setting a wonderful example to your children. Third, Pray. Pray for strength to endure and not give in and just stay home or go to bed before spending time with the Lord. Pray for resilience when you miss the sermon again and start to wonder “what is the point?” Pray for your children when you start to become frustrated. And finally, find an ally: your spouse, another family in the trenches with young children, your extended family (or church family) that is willing to give you a break from time to time.

"Children are a heritage from the Lord". (Psalm 127:3) Jesus loved children and used them numerous times to teach his disciples. Raising them up in the way of the Lord is of utmost importance. Why else would Satan do everything he could to keep their parents from going through so much stress to get them to church and isolate the parents into “baby jail”? Recognize the enemy. “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7 ESV).  Instead of fighting your children in the pews, fight to keep them, and yourself, there.   

Excuses, Excuses

It's been a really long time since my last post. Over 4 months, to be exact. Which is so sad, because I truly enjoy blogging and sharing my life, thoughts, and insights. And because I really don't journal, this is kind of my way of keeping track of those kinds of things.

At any rate, lots has changed since May 1st.

For starters, my boss, my mentor, my friend, and my work husband sold his half of the practice and left as of May 15th. So there was this big gaping hole in our clinic and everything was so strange for a while, some days it still is. We had already hired a new grad (who was supposed to be our 4th vet) and she started June 1st, but I went back to work full time until the middle of June to fill in and ease the transition. And of course, we were slammed. But we had some great vet students come through this summer, so it was kind of fun.

The biggest difficulty, as always, was juggling our schedule around again. We had just gotten Coleman used to being home a lot with me and then we had to throw him back into daycare full time for a few weeks until Nana was done with school for the year and she kept him part time. Scott was gone a lot and I was on call every other night and every other weekend for a while while we got the new vet up to speed. It was kind of crazy, but this difference this time was there was a HUGE light at the end of the tunnel come July, so there was a lot of motivation to finish each day strong.

Then towards the end of June, my mother- and sister-in-law both resigned from teaching high school here and took jobs out in a very small town in West Texas. Like, suddenly. As in, we found out from other people (via the local paper....) it happened so fast. My in-laws own the land and house that my husband's great-grandparents had, so they moved there because they needed to fix up the house and decide if they want to sell or permanently move there. Meanwhile, my FIL is going back and forth between the two places taking care of the bred heifers they are calving out and the bumper hay crop from this summer.

Our church is also going through a transition period. My father-in-law was an elder, but felt he needed to resign because he wasn't going to be here full time and didn't feel he could carry out his responsibilities well. Our preacher resigned and moved within a month. Another elder was involved in an accident with a horse and sustained major head trauma, so he has been absent as well. And our youth minister and close friend has been on sabbatical, learning what is effective at other churches our size and taking some time to slow down and seek God as he grieves the loss of his children to his ex-wife. See, not great order. But I've been impressed at our remaining two elders and deacons for stepping up. Scott is also the coordinator of fellowship and has some great ideas to bring union to our church family- so in love with that man!

As if that wasn't enough, we lost a baby on May 27th. I was seven weeks, 4 days along. In fact, we found out the day after my last post that I was expecting, and I have 4 or 5 posts written about how excited we were about our new family member that I was going to post after we told the world. I am truly at peace with the whole thing, but I don't feel that I need or want to share my feelings with the world- it's still a very personal thing, you know? I know that God was definitely with me (even though I was by myself at the time) and that He has protected me from what could have been a very negative experience. I hope that one day, I'll be able to influence another family in pain, but on an intimate, one-on-one basis.

So, besides all that, there have been a few other things thrown into the mix. Everything at work is being re-aligned (like e-medical records, ugh), my other boss's family recently experienced a loss, it's a busy time of year and we've all been gone to CE at various times, just general craziness. Scott had several trips this summer and was gone a few weeks here and there.

I'm hoping that in the next week, the madness dies down and we can get back into a normal kind of groove. I've started a few blog posts that I am excited to finish and share. I'm ready for cooler, perfect (running!) weather. I'm looking forward to the excitement of FALL- my all time favorite season. And maybe somewhere in there, I'll find time to relax. And blog. :)

The Eyes of a Child

A post on a friend's Facebook page has stayed with me for the past few weeks.

Matt: "I wish I knew her sooner."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Matt: "I mean...35 years with no Eleanor."

Her husband was talking about their 5 month old, always smiling daughter. She is their second daughter, and seems like just the happiest baby you've ever seen (at least according to Facebook pictures, but really, who takes pictures of an unhappy baby?) In the comments section, another mother posted that her husband asked their baby, "Where have you been all my life?", and several others commented on how pre-baby memories vanished soon after they arrived and how hard it is to picture going back to a life without children.

My friend countered by stating that she and her hubby had made some awesome memories and taken some amazing trips, but that having kids "amplifies each experience," that everything is made fresh and exciting, and "we get to experience things with two very excited sets of eyes."

My comment was: "Love this! I agree with you that life can be just as awesome before and after kids, but the thing is, kids take everyday experiences and turn them into something magical. I will always remember taking trips with Scott, but I'm also pretty sure I'll remember the look on Coleman's face when he held a worm and a tiny frog for the first time today while we were digging in the flower bed. Everything, from going to the grocery store to hearing your child talk about Baby Moses and the "bad king" is fresh and new." This was followed by other comments about watching one's hand pop out of a sleeve and kicking a ball around the back yard and squealing with glee, and how they say that "you get the first five years of your life back" when you have kids. Pretty sure God gives us these awesome moments to make up for 2 am feedings, diaper blow-outs, and temper tantrums....

The following Monday was filled with severe thunderstorms in our neck of the woods. Finally, just before dusk, my favorite time of day when the sun shoots golden rays at the perfect angle through the trees, the sun came out and this complete double rainbow formed against a purple sky. Absolutely breathtaking. We rushed outside to take it in.

Hard to see the second one, and this pic does not do any justice to how vivid it was in real life.

But what really stole the show was my 3 year old son, in a voice filled with excitement and wonder, "Mommy!! God came to ours house!! God maked us a rainbow!! Sank you, God!!!!"

Melt. My. Heart. So many lessons in three simple, convicting, adorably misspoken sentences.

Do we recognize that He is with us always, that he "comes to our house"? When we see a rainbow, do we remember that God always keeps his promises or just admire it's beauty? And when we do, how quick are we to thank Him for simple everyday pleasures like playtime and sunshine and frogs and rainbows in a voice filled with amazement?

Going back to the discussion on Facebook. There are two huge parallels between that discussion and our Christian walk. First, as babes in Christ, there is a newness, a hope, a freshness that must be nurtured to become a mature Christian. Seeing things through a fresh set of eyes, capturing that innocence that can only be found in children, hungering for knowledge to gain an understanding of the world around you. We should be more like that in our Christian walk, seeing God in all that he has done and made for us. Joyfully thanking him for everything from our Mommy and Daddy to our trains and tracks. Singing "Jesus Loves Me" off key at the top of our lungs. Unabashedly telling people "I love you" and freely handing out hugs and kisses. In fact, Jesus rebuked his own disciples for turning children away in Luke 18:15-16.

"But Jesus called for them, saying, 'Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.Truly I say to you,whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.' "

The second parallel has to do with wiping the slate clean, erasing memories and not being able to imagine life any other way. Isn't that what Jesus does for us when we put Him on in baptism? Our past sins are forgiven, Christ no longer remembers them and we are given the go ahead to do the same. Paul talks about "forgetting what is behind and straining for what is ahead" in Philippians 3:13. There would be a void in my life if Coleman wasn't here, but there would be an even bigger one if Christ weren't in it. For those that don't have children or don't know Christ, there is no way to explain how your heart can totally overflow with love. And I can't imagine the pain if I were to ever loose him. How much greater pain would I endure if I turned away from God? Once you experience that much joy, how do you live without it?

"35 years without Eleanor."
"35 years without Christ."

While you are focused on teaching the children in your life about the world, allow those little innocent minds to teach you something about its Creator.

Church Family LOVE

The past two days, I have really felt the presence and importance of having a supportive church family. I have witnessed the amazing power of love for your brethren, not first hand, but as a participant and bystander.

Two of my very best friends went through a nasty custody hearing for their two children yesterday. We don't know the results just yet, and I'll spare you the courtroom drama, but I'll just tell you it is heartbreaking. This has been on-going since last summer when their kids decided they wanted to go live with their biological mother, and we have been praying constantly and walking this journey with them.

Monday night, one of my husband's buddies called and said they were going to meet with the husband to pray. Scott came home and TWENTY MEN had shown up, all of the elders and deacons, a former minister, their close circle of friends that recently started a "raising Godly children" Bible study. They each took turns praying over him, praying for all aspects of the hearing, from the judge to the ex-wife, to all the witnesses, to the children.

Tuesday morning, nearly 40 church members showed up for the hearing. Most stayed until it was over (originally scheduled for 9 am, it got bumped back to 1:30 and wasn't over until 4:30). 40 members, somewhere between 1/4 -1/5 of the regular Sunday morning crowd. I wasn't able to attend, but it still overwhelms my heart that so many people care so much about this family that they would sit in an uncomfortable courtroom and stand in the gap for one of our own.

I took my friend "to get a coke" (Texas code for: "go to Sonic, get any kind of beverage and talk things through") later yesterday evening. Neither one of us had too much to say- the whole situation is just too raw and overwhelming to hash it out too much. But she kept listing off all the people that were there and the supportive comments they had made, the testimony on his behalf that had been given, the meal someone provided. All seemed like small gestures, but as a whole, they meant the world to my friends.

I keep thinking, "THAT is what it means to be a member of a church family." Showing that kind of love for your fellow church member, being there at their darkest hour, providing what they didn't even know they really needed. After seeing my church at work this week, I am 100% convicted that being a member of this church (or a church) is paramount to my Christian walk. Christ "laid down his life for his friends," (John 15:13) and I am convinced that to see this kind of out-pouring is the closest thing we can see in this world that even mimics Christ standing in the gap and dying on the cross for our sins.

These 40 people and 20 men didn't just show up and sit. Their presence conveyed a much deeper message to this family. It meant they have been praying over this situation for months. It meant they love all those involved. Maybe more importantly, it meant they will be there for this family no matter what the judge decides. Our friends have an army of people they can count on, and there were many more that would have been there if they could. I feel so honored and blessed to be a part of this family.

Faith Journey

My good friend, Jon, once said in a sermon that every story is God’s story, we are just the characters in it. God has written a surprise twist into His story for us. Today our little family starts a new and exciting chapter.

The past six months have been one of uncertaintly, to say the least. It’s hard to even start this blog, and even now I know it’s going to be inadequate to get out on paper His complete and total sovereignty in our lives. God has overwhelmed me on so many levels and surprised me (and then at the same time, not surprised me at all).

So I’ll just start with a timeline of events to fill you in.

The wheels started turning for this big change the first part of October, when our last hand at the dairy quit. Then by the week of Thanksgiving, Kenton and Scott had sold the milking herd and were looking to find whatever God had in store for them. This was a huge, big, scary change from the norm that had been for 43 years, Scott’s entire life. Scott had a series of interviews with a feed additive company that would have meant a move for us to West Texas, but they weren't able to see that his actual experience in the dairy industry was far more beneficial than his lack of sales experience.

At any rate, we got re-adjusted to our daily routine and were enjoying life through December and had a wonderful Christmas. Scott had a few feelers out for jobs, was working to build his independent sales with Accelerated Genetics, and had put in his application to substitute teach at the high school in the meantime.  I had had several conversations with friends, one in particular, that were so positive and uplifting. She could see what I couldn’t, that God had an amazing opportunity waiting for us and that even if it meant a move, she was so excited for us. My friends helped me see that Scott and I were on a “faith journey”- to trust in God and just know He was going to get us to the end, to the place we were meant to be, and that we had to trust Him with the details to get there. Whatever direction He took us was going to be awesome beyond our greatest expectations and He would use us to further His kingdom wherever that may be. We had to believe that whatever it was, it was going to be better!

Then the first week of January, my bosses came to me to tell me that they were “re-structuring” the clinic and they needed me to go half time at half salary within 90 days. Not the greatest news to the sole income earner for my family and a solid employee of nearly 8 years. There were lots of reasons for this decision, and it has been a goal of ours (mine and Scott’s) for me to work less since Coleman was born. This was no secret to my employers. I have been convinced for several years that I was not being the mother I needed to be for Coleman because I worked such long, emotionally and physically draining hours. And I’m not talking about “mommy guilt” here. I mean a very strong, absolute conviction that God meant better for my life and for my family (more details in this post). We have talked about and tried to figure out how to make a part time schedule (and income) work for us several times throughout the years, but something always fell through or didn’t work out on paper. Truly, I think it was a lack of faith on our part or just God saying, “it’s not time… yet.” So, even though it wasn’t technically our decision, I know that it was ultimately God paving the way to work His will in our lives.

I think that knowing and being able to see God’s hand in all of this is what kept me from being hurt, angry, vengeful, panicky and a complete basket-case. Now, I’m not saying I didn’t feel all of these emotions. I certainly did, especially the first few weeks. And my friends and family were not as forgiving as I- they were plenty mad for me. I had many moments where I wanted to break down and sob, and many more where I had to stop and catch my breath before I had a panic attack, and one pathetically sad pity-party night. I remember one moment in particular, while making out the check to give as an offering at church, being very saddened by the thought of not being able to give as freely as we have been, or at least with a clear conscience. There were so many details to work out: finances to re-budget, expenses to cut, daycare schedule, becoming a single car family (my truck was previously provided by work), the very real possibility of a move for a new job, and the list goes on and on.

But each time I faced one of these new challenges, I could feel myself riding on this undercurrent of overwhelming peace. I knew God was working his perfect plan, I just didn’t have any idea how we were going to get there. Every time I had an argument in my head, “But God, how…..?” the answer rang loud and clear in my heart that everything was going to work out better than I could have even thought to pray for. I refused to let myself sink into the “what ifs” knowing that I would probably drown in my own emotions. Every time, there was the reassurance that God was giving us the desires of our hearts in His good and perfect timing.

So Scott's job search intensified. He had two big opportunities that he worked hard to pursue. One would have meant a move to South Dakota, the other to the Amarillo area. I worked on my curriculum vitae and cover letter so that I would have it ready to apply for a new job in our new location. We were stuck somewhere between excitement for a new beginning and a fresh start, and sorrow at leaving all that we had in Bowie behind. We dearly love our family, friends, and church family, and raising Coleman in a rural environment with so many people to love on him and be his village is exceedingly important to us. And even though I was not going to be working much, I still believe my clinic is one of the best in the state and my co-workers are some of my best friends.

Scott was flown out to final interviews for both positions. He went to South Dakota State University in January where he would have been the herd manager for the dairy at the school. I couldn’t have written a more perfect job description for my husband. He would have overseen all operations at the dairy, helped plan the design for a new facility, taught a few classes, and coached the dairy challenge and judging teams- all things he loves and is passionate about. Unfortunately, the high that day was 29 degrees and everyone was talking about what a lovely spring day it was (surely you can’t want me to be cold for the rest of my life, right God?!?!?).  He left the interview feeling good about it, but knew that being a university, they wouldn’t be in a hurry to make any decisions.

He was flown to Kentucky for an interview with the second company the first week of March. With AllTech, an animal health and nutrition company, he would be a sales representative and his focus would be mainly dairies in the West Texas/Amarillo area. His boss would be a former student of his when he was a TA for six weeks in Clovis, New Mexico at the inaugural Dairy Consortium, a short course that he and his professor helped establish. (Incidentally, I hated that he was involved with that program that summer because I didn’t get to see him for 6 weeks of his break- looks like even then, 7 years ago, God was working this plan. Hindsight is 20/20.) Because the weather was deteriorating, his day long interview and tour of headquarters was reduced to a one hour meeting in a restaurant at the airport and a return flight home by the skin of his teeth before DFW closed all runways due to ice. He called me before hopping on the plane to say that they wanted to hire him. Even better, they wanted him to stay in Bowie because they wanted him to also serve dairies in the Sulfur Springs, Stephenville, and Southern Oklahoma areas, making this a central location.

I couldn’t answer him- I was crying. His salary would more than cover my lost income. His benefits would handle everything that we had decided we could cut from our budget for a while. The company provided him a truck- the same make and model of the truck I would lose the use of, right down to the 4-wheel drive. We didn’t have to uproot our family and our ties to Bowie. Every detail, all of the logistics, finances, my job, everything was covered in more ways and more perfectly than I could have dreamed.

The following week, Scott called South Dakota State to tell them he had taken another job. They told him they were actually about to send him an offer letter the next day. Two offers with 24 days to spare on our 90 day timeline. God sure knows how to deliver in just the nick of time! Both amazing opportunities, but ultimately the AllTech job was a perfect fit. It’s like God finally said, “Okay…. now!!” As far as my job goes, all of the details of my new contract, schedule, and arrangements have worked out surprising easily, with no disagreements or arguments.

Today, April 13^th, is Day 1 of the rest of our lives. Scott is off on a new adventure, starting a new career and making all kinds of connections in both the dairy and animal nutrition industries. I start my new part time schedule today, and although there are lots of mixed emotions related to taking a huge step back in my career, the fact that I was so upset by that aspect of it all brings into sharp focus just how out of whack my priorities lie. Finally, I get to be a full time wife and mommy, and a part time vet, instead of the other way around. I am apprehensive and excited and relieved all at the same time. Mostly, I am looking forward to doing all of those family things I haven’t made time for these past 3 years. Above all, I am incredibly grateful that God has chosen to bless our family after years of patience and dedication and heartache. It’s such an amazing thing to see how everything has come together to align our hearts and plans with God’s will. I can’t wait to read the rest of His story!!!

When it's All Said and Done

Note: I started this post on November 25th, but there was just too much raw emotion to put it into words. I finished it today, because that chapter of our story needed to be completed.

For the first time in 43 years, cows are not being milked at Twin Oaks Dairy.

That's right, Kenton and Scott sold the milking herd. And I'm pretty sure it broke everyone's heart. Not that it was a bad decision, or the wrong one, just that it's so drastically different. Every day of Scott's 31 years, cows were milked, babies were fed, and hay and feed were put out. Tonight, it is eerily quiet, and Scott is home early.

The first week of October, our last milking hand turned in his two weeks notice. He is leaving to go work in the oil field, and we can't compete with that pay scale. Perhaps that’s why we haven’t even had anyone come by in two years asking for a job? That and dairying is hard work. Scott and Kenton have been killing themselves trying to get everything done. They have been stressed, exhausted, and there's almost a sense of hopelessness about them.

When we were dating, I remember one of the last things Scott asked me before we got engaged was if I could handle being a dairy wife. I was insulted. Of course I could. Who did he think he was talking to? I’m a vet. Of all the people I know, wouldn’t you think I would know how important it is to take care of and milk cows around the clock? Truly, I had no earthly idea what I was about to become a part of, something much more than just milking and feeding cows.

Being a dairy farmer is not merely a job or a business venture. It is a way of life. These men, this family, they breathed it, they lived it, and when they were able to sleep, they dreamed it. Odors that would be off-putting to most became my favorites, they were my husband’s scent. There is nothing better than looking out to see black and white cows in a green pasture. Nothing more satisfying than a hard day's work, especially in agriculture. Yes, it was constant work, and yes, lots of holidays, birthdays, weddings, even funerals were missed or postponed in order to get the job done; it is what it is. 

But it came down economics. To support two families, a certain number of cows had to be milked, but that number was higher than two men could do alone. And those two men were tired. Their wives were, too. There's only so much support you can give your husband before you lovingly and hesitantly say, "enough is enough," because deep down you know that to stop dairying is giving up not just a business, not just a lifestyle, but a 3 generation legacy. 

A buyer, a good man who understands the blood, sweat, and tears we all put into those cows, offered a very fair price, and two weeks and three truckloads later, the only sound left on the always noisy dairy was the crying of hungry calves and heifers. Thank goodness we didn't sell them right away so Kenton and Scott still have something to do. But soon, those will be gone, too, and we're not sure what they will do- probably fix all of the things they haven't had time to fix for the past 5 years. 

I wouldn't count them 100% out of the dairy business just yet. In fact, they've already started dreaming up the next plan. But for now, it is time to rest and regroup. And praise God for the wonderful opportunities that lie ahead and thank Him for those blessing we have already received. 

Meditation

I had one of those ‘ah-hah!!!’ moments the other day. I’ve been fortunate enough to get to lead a discussion group (notice I didn’t say ‘teach a Bible study’) this past quarter. Our young ladies class has been working through “Knowing God’s Word” in the Women of Faith study guide series and we’ve made it to week 11 out of 12. The study has given us insight into the tools we need to go from merely reading the Bible for completion to actually studying and digging deeper by using cross references, Bible references (like commentaries, dictionaries, and concordances), looking at various translations, reading for context, doing outlines and word studies, and searching for themes.

This week’s lesson was meant to take us from studying to meditating. What is the image you get when you hear the word “meditate.” I picture someone doing Yoga near a mountain stream in the warm sunshine with the scent of fresh flowers and pine needles, head completely cleared of any outside distraction. The word, for me, evokes more of a relaxed, reflective mood than one of intense study. The book had us look at many different verses, mostly in Psalms, that contain the word “meditate” or “meditation.” All of the verses pointed out the great things that can come from meditation (success and prosperity, gaining understanding, outward progress) and how much God is pleased by our meditation.

I decided to take it a step further. With each verse, I looked up the definition or synonyms in Vine’s Expository Dictionary. Here’s a list I compiled for what it means to “meditate”:

Utterance, musing, contemplate, whisper, murmuring,

 prayer, commune, think, consider, judge, complain

None of these sound very passive or restful. They all require action. In fact, I didn’t come across the word reflect or rest. Not exactly the cultural image suggested by the word “meditates.”

Okay then, so how does one meditate? Well, that list is mostly verbs, so that’s a good place to start. The study also had us look up Philippians 4:8 that tells us to think on these: whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, trustworthy, praiseworthy. Now we have a bunch of adjective. [ My mom the English teacher is cringing J.] So I thought, “Okay, we can start putting it all together.”  We can contemplate things that are noble. We can pray about things that are pure. We can muse about things that are lovely and admirable.

The final verse the workbook wanted us to look up was 1^st Timothy 4:15. “Meditate on these things, give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all.” This reminded me of a conversation I had with a good running friend of mine. We had decided that if we ran as much as we thought about, read about, or talked (blogged) about running, we would be in great shape! This verse is trying to say the same thing. If we were to be constantly thinking about God’s word, we would be in such awesome shape spiritually that the world couldn’t help but take notice- wouldn’t that be cool?

I wanted to learn a little more. The verse says “meditate on these things” – what things? Back up and read for context.

• Verse 12 gives us the WHAT: in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity
• Verse 12 and 13 gives us the HOW: be an example, give attention to reading, exhorting/edifying, and doctrine
• Verse 14 gives us the DON’T: neglect the gift that is in you
• Verse 15 tells us that meditating on these makes us outwardly spiritually fit.
• But the key is in verse 16. Sixteen gives us the all important WHY: “You will save both yourself and those who hear you.”

What better reason to devote time to meditation than to secure one’s own salvation and that of other believers? In Joshua 1:8, he is told to “This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.” Joshua was facing the armies of the Canaanites. We are facing the armies of Satan and the world. Like Joshua, our success will be measured in defeating the enemy, and our prosperity will be reaching the Promised Land. Meditating on God’s Word is the key to obtaining both. 

Heart, Soul, and Mind

I learned the words as a little girl in Sunday School, to the tune of some 50s song (that for the life of me I can’t remember the name of!!). And now I sing it to my son as a lullaby. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind and love all of mankind as your would love yourself.” (Matthew 22:37) I sing the two greatest commands as if they were a children’s silly song. But I remember them, and I have had those words hidden in my heart for the last 30 years.

Recently, I saw the application of these in practice. Or rather, became acutely aware of the lack of them. I think I’ve been noticing it in Bible study for a while but finally put it all together. The command is to love the Lord. How? With all one’s heart and soul and mind. Sounds easy enough, right? Right.

Until you really break it down. Have you ever been sitting in a class and everyone gets in a deep, heated theological, intellectual discussion about some really legalistic issue and you think, “everyone is missing the point.” Do you ever listen to a sermon and get no feeling or emotion behind the scriptures, laid out like cold, hard facts in a court trial? Or conversely, take in a truly heart felt worship experience and inspiring, emotional sermon but in retrospect everything was just kind of loosely based on scriptures? Or shy away from the mention of the Holy Spirit at the risk of being labeled Pentecostal or Charismatic?

Heart. Soul. Mind. The scriptures tell us God intended these three areas to work in concert together. The word AND becomes really important there. You can’t just love God by knowing a lot about him, or feeling your way there, or relying solely on the Spirit. We have to marry the three.

Heart. This one is easy: any emotion you feel towards God, towards another person, towards a situation. And as women, we can totally let them get the best of us. We can be in danger of letting our emotions guide us completely and not rely on the Word of God. There is a lot (a whole lot, I believe) to be said about a woman’s intuition, but there are times when we have to take a step back and ask God to make us neutral and be objective. Men, generally speaking, seem to have the opposite problem, easily ignoring their feelings (or ours) and seeing everything as 100% black and white. Good, but at the same time, isn’t it necessary to open one’s heart in order to have a relationship with God, to not harden it to what He has to reveal to us? Neither situation strikes a good balance. Sadly, I have also witnessed this in church work. Some preachers and congregations seem to make it the focus to make everyone feel good, to not preach the truth in love for fear of hurting someone’s feelings, glossing over or omitting scriptures that might make someone feel uncomfortable, using an emotional situation to pull at the heartstrings or sway someone into a decision (mass church camp baptisms, anyone?). Yes, God is love. But at the same time he is a just God who set in place laws and rules, not to keep us from having fun or living our lives, but to keep up from hurt and pain, because he loves us. It comes full circle.

[Okay, sorry, I’m going out of order, because I want to tie it all up in a nice little package and it all comes together nicer if you talk about heart and mind first]

Mind. The church of Christ is really good at this one. Almost too good. We are known for knowing the scriptures backwards and forwards, for studying, cross-referencing, Bible bowl, Bible challenge. Coming from a Baptist background, I remember being so intimidated when my new found church friends could spout off some obscure scripture from Habakkuk, and I couldn’t remember where that book was in the Old Testament, let alone classify it and tell you what was going on in the history of the Israelites at that time. Please don’t get me wrong, Bible knowledge is uber-important. But being legalistic about them, for just seeing them as fact is where we can get into trouble. Atheists (and Satan for that matter) know what the Bible says. To draw application from them, to allow God to speak to us through scripture, to learn life lessons from them (not just about them), that is the challenge, that is where using the mind and thinking for oneself (with the help of the Holy Spirit) become critical for loving our Almighty God.  Check out the Bereans in Acts 17:11-12. The searched the scriptures daily, it says, but even more than that, they received and believed.

Soul. Ready for this? I broke out the Greek lexicon, because I had a thought and wanted to make sure I wasn’t way off base. The Greek word used here for soul is psyche, defined as “the breath of life”. This is very similar to the definition given for the Greek work pneuma or Spirit, as in, the Holy Spirit.  Ooohh.  Read 1st Corinthians 2:12. “Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might know the things that have been freely given to us by God.”  The only reason we, as Christians, can fully know and love God is because we have the Holy Spirit within our own soul.  The Holy Spirit, that helped write the very Scriptures, is inside each Christian helping them discern the mysteries of the Bible. The reason we are able to understand scripture and see how God is working all things together for our good is because he is living and working in our hearts. This makes recognizing the power of the Spirit an absolutely essential element in our walk with God. Again, sometimes it can be taboo to speak of the Holy Spirit working in our lives, but I think we need to know and to be able recognize when it working

Let’s put it all together.  Have you ever been in a really emotional situation, and suddenly the exact right scripture to bring you peace or calm fears or even to celebrate a victory pops in your head?  John 14:26 says that “The Helper, the Holy Spirit, who the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you.  See? Previous study helped you learn it, the Holy Spirit helped you remember it, and emotions helped you truly experience it. Or those times you are completely lost in a passage of Scripture, having a hard time comprehending the words on the page, and an event, conversation or prayer that opens your heart to allow the Holy Spirit to lead you brings clarity? Or maybe you felt the tug of the Holy Spirit guiding you to a particular verse that you were later able to use to ease the pain of a loved one?

The three, heart, soul, and mind, must work in concert to truly allow us to experience God as He was meant to live in our lives. They have to live in a sort of checks and balances system so that one never overpowers the others. And I think that being acutely aware of this triad will help to unlock a deeper understanding of ourselves, of the Scriptures and the Holy Spirit as we learn how to love God more fully. 

Professional Courtesy

Disclaimer: I am not writing this piece because I am looking down on professional or career women as a whole (I am one), nor do I want to discourage women from achieving goals and obtaining success. I want no part of so-called “mommy wars” and I am not starting a SAHM/WAHM/WOHM/FT/PT debate. I simply want to say what I wish someone had said to me 15 years ago.

I am a veterinarian. I spent 8 years in college and professional school. I have worked full time for the past 8 years, working 50+ hours a week and nights and weekends on call. I stay late to return phone calls, finish paperwork and clean up messes. Daily, I help owners make agonizing decisions about how to care for or euthanize their pets. I work with an amazing team of co-workers that I consider family. I have seen some pretty cool stuff and worked in some pretty awful conditions (makes for great stories, right?). I have diagnosed some really rare conditions and am able to do some cool procedures. I love my job, most days. ;)

I was told my whole young adult life that what I was doing was awesome. My friends and family were so proud of me and gave me the encouragement I needed to make it through vet school. Along the way, I made some of the best friends I could ever imagine. I was encouraged that all of my hard work in school would pay off, I’d have this awesome job, and that life would be great. The expense of school was to be considered and investment in my future that I’d be able to pay off easily. No worries. I invested much more than money into who I am today.

All of this enthusiasm was great. When I felt down, I could always find someone to lift me up and remind me about my goals. Even now, I am met with nothing but reassurance. But looking back, there was one thing no one ever told me, something I never even considered. No one ever stopped me and seriously asked me, “Sara, do you want to get married, do you want to be a mommy someday? Do you want to have a family? Do you want to be there for your family?” These things were the farthest from my mind when I was in school. I had no prospects for a husband, no time to date or even think about the future, other than that I was going to be a veterinarian. And to be honest, I probably would have said what I’d been conditioned to say. Young ladies are told their whole lives that we can have it all, we can be whatever we want to be, we can do it all. But no one ever mentions that if you have a career, that you will be doing it all- at the same time. In this modern society, where feminism, and multi-tasking, and glass ceilings are common themes, a young girl with professional aspirations is almost ashamed to stop and think, “but how am I going to juggle career and family?” or even to admit that deep down, they really want a husband and babies. Or at least I was.

For intelligent young women, success is measured by how many degrees one obtains, how much status they achieve through their careers, and a yearly salary and benefits. But then you reach the point where you are finished with school, you have a great job, and then…. what? Life begins. You meet an amazing man, fall in love and get married. You adjust and figure out how to both have careers and nurture a marriage. Then along comes a baby or two, and again, you make it work. But later, you lift your head above the mad chaos that has become your life and think, what am I doing? How can this possibly be healthy for me and my family? But by now, life has got you. Your career is taking off, you still need to make enough to make ends meet and pay back the huge school loans you “invested in”, and your babies are growing at warp speed.

Sadly, I think even the church can be involved in pushing women too hard. Exhibit A: the Proverbs 31 woman. She had it all. She did it all. She was all things to all people. And that is the standard that we are given to live up to. And it is intimidating and exhausting to read the list of her attributes: hard worker, early riser, successful business woman, caring employer, blessed mother, trustworthy wife, wise, kind, and well known in the community. She cooks, she weaves and sews, she gives to the needy, and to top it all off, she’s beautiful. Seriously, how does she do it?

I have a (completely theoretical) guess at the answer. It says she does all these things, but it doesn’t say that she did them all at the same time. Ecclesiastes 3 talks about different times in life. I believe that this amazing woman recognized that, in order to excel, that she needed to focus on certain things in different seasons of her life. She gained the respect and trust of her husband early in their marriage. She loved and nurtured her children while they were young and that carried over thought their adult lives. She took care of her household and her servants. Perhaps when the children were a bit older, she became a shrewd business woman and gained recognition in her community. And perhaps in her later years, she was hailed as a precious, beautiful jewel.

At the same time though, I’d like to point out that the Bible says “who can find” such a woman? Maybe we aren’t supposed to be all of these things? Maybe some are meant to gain wealth, some to run a household, some to be benevolent? We are made to be different, and we are called to serve where we are. Maybe being a Proverbs 31 woman means something different to each and every one of us? For some, a distinguished career. For others, being the uber-mom. For most of us, finding a balance between the two. Again, all speculation.

Professional women are often faced with a choice, family or career.  It doesn’t seem like a fair choice, there’s guilt and judgment either way from the SAHM v. WOHM battle lines. And I used to be one of those that looked down on women I knew that “gave up” their career for their families. I remember one instance in particular. I asked my cousin’s wife, who was in PA school at the time, why she didn’t just spend one more year in med school to become a doctor. Her answer: “I want to be a Mommy someday, and I can’t do that and be a doctor”. I thought that was ridiculous. Really, your aspirations in life are revolving around the chance that you might have a family someday? I didn’t realize how wise she really was.

And for that reason, I am going to have a discussion with every young woman I come in contact with that wants to become a vet. We mentor lots of high school, college age, and vet students at my practice, the majority of them female. I’m not going to tell them they need to be stay at home moms, or work part time, or put off having children or going to school. I hope to not really influence their decision to become a professional woman. I just want to plant the seed in their head that a decade from now, they will have other people in their lives and that the career they choose now will affect them greatly. And I’m going to tell them to prayerfully consider their career choice, not just outline the classes, tests, and applications necessary to get into school (again, something that was never mentioned to me). For those that are in vet school already, I’m going to mention to them to make sure there is room in their contracts for maternity leave, extended or family leave, managing their money to go part time if they need to, and being up front with their employers if they intend to have a family.

Again, I know I sound really jaded. I think it comes from my own guilt at having worked my son’s first 3 years of life away and not being there when my husband needs me. And yes, there are times I feel completely selfish for having chosen to borrow so much money for my education that I’ve now placed my family in a situation where I have no choice but to work. But I feel that maybe I can use my experience to help another young woman avoid some of the heartache I’ve experienced these past few years. At least I’ll put the idea in her head that yes, you can have it all, but do you really want it all at the same time? 

Runner's High

I run for fun. Yeah, I said fun, as in, a hobby. It started as a vanity thing following a doctor's appointment and an embarrassing number on the scale. then it turned into a way to get into shape in anticipation of trying to have a baby and wanting to have a healthy pregnancy. Then it became a way to get out the door with my son in the stroller. Sine then, I've run several 5Ks, one 10K, and got 3/4 of the way through training for a half marathon before medical complications benched me. Now, it's become more of a sanity thing. It clears my head, makes me believe I can eat more chocolate, and give me something to work towards (I can be a little too determined sometimes). The trick is, I have to be signed up for a race or working towards a new speed or distance goal to find the motivation to keep training. 

The Bible is chock full of verses that speak to runners:

• "When you walk, your steps will not be hindered, and when you run, you will not stumble." Proverbs 4:12
• "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
• "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? run in such a way that you may obtain it.... Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air." 1 Corinthians 9: 24 & 26
• "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7

Sometimes I remember these verses when I run, but mostly, I gasp out a few phrases here and there. 

Today, during Bible class, I was able to identify with one of the most well-known passages in the New Testament in a completely new way. I am always in awe of the fact that I can read familiar words and pull something new out of them each time or at a different season of my life. I think that speaks to how the words are “living and active” (Heb 4:12)

Hebrews 11. The Great Faith Chapter. It starts with the best definition of faith given in the Bible. Then reminds us that we believe by faith that the Word of God formed the worlds. Then it lists all of the major players in the OT that had amazing faith: Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, and Rahab. Honorable mention is given to several others and the chapter is summed up by listing all of the methods by which the faithful were tortured and murdered and otherwise suffered for their beliefs. All of this is like a crescendo to the charge given in Hebrews 12:1. “Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,”

Yeah, I loved it already because of the mention of running, but let’s go back to Hebrews 11 verse 13 “these all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.” and verse 39 “And all these, having obtained a good testimony through faith, did not receive the promise.”[emphasis mine] The great faith heroes of chapter 11 never reached the finish line, but that was their motivation for continuing on, with the vast hope that they would someday, somehow get to see the promised land, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was something better yet to come! They knew they weren’t home yet. Joseph didn’t even have his bones buried and 440 some odd years later he was finally laid to rest in the land of Cannan- because he had the faith to know that just because his story ended in Egypt, God’s story was far from finished.

So, let me tie it all together. When I run, especially when I’m training for something, during the last mile of my run, I imagine that it’s the last mile in my race. I push myself, I lip sync to the fast paced music playing full blast on my headphones, I run as fast as I can that last ½ mile, I picture myself crossing the finish line. Mile 2 becomes mile 12. I can almost hear the crowds cheering, can see Scott at the finish line waiting for me, can taste the chocolate milk that will quench my thirst and speed my recovery. And I can feel the pride that my hard work and months of training has paid off big and I accomplished my goal. The energy I get from transforming my mind gets me through that last leg, even though it’s not the real deal.

And I thought, that’s how the faith heroes did it, they could see the tape stretched out at the finish line and knew that finishing was all they had to focus on. That’s the other thing that’s funny about running: I never run to win, I run to finish without stopping, I run to give my very best, regardless of what the other competitors are doing. If I can give this much dedication and determination to something so worldly, why can I not do it for my Father’s kingdom? I have all of the inspirational slogans I need spelled out for me in the Word. I have a cheering section behind me. My God is waiting for me at the finish line to give me a “Well done” and hopefully a high five. I have living water to quench my thirst. And the best part? This is a race I will win. I will receive the prize. My reward will be eternal life. 

Don't Mess this Up!

It may sound weird, but probably my go-to prayer is, “God, don’t let me mess this up!”

• Each time I’ve found myself at a crossroads, trying to decide what lies ahead for my future, a different university than expected, a move, a career change, so worried that I would make the wrong decision.
• When I was dating Scott, I knew I had found someone special. Early in our relationship, I was worried I was going to do or say something that would make Scott want to head for the hills instead of being head over heels.
• Since having Coleman, I find myself in a constant wrestling match in my head over whether to discipline unruly behavior (adhering to my Type-A, everything should be just-so personality) or to let him be a boy, at the same time desperately not wanting to crush his tiny spirit and character.
• Those horrible moments when I have to tell someone who just buried a loved one that their pet and only remaining companion has a terminal illness.

Yes, I believe whole-heartedly in praying for specific aspects in most situations, but at the same time, I find myself getting too wrapped up in the details and over-analyzing everything and replaying in my head what I should have said or done when so and so said that (read: I’m a woman). It’s at that point I tend to throw up my hands and just quit trying to interfere. I quit trying to think for myself and beg God to dictate my thoughts, actions, and decisions. That quiet whisper, where I just finally let go and say “not my will, but Yours, be done” (Luke 22:42). Which is probably what I should have been doing in the first place, right?

So many well-known verses reinforce this concept.  

 “ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ “ Jeremiah 29:11 This verse tells me that God already knows where I’m going to live, who I’m going to marry, what I’m going to do with my life. Why even spend time thinking about it and worrying if I’m going to make the right decision? Why should I even question where I live or where I work, as long as I am not in direct opposition of God’s will, He can use me to further His kingdom.

“I have found the one whom my soul loves.” Song of Songs 3:4. Oh. So many times Scott or I could have just walked away (and still could, I suppose). But God is and always has been at the center of our relationship and our marriage. “What God has joined together…” Enough said.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;” Psalm 139:13-14 God knows my child better than I do. He made him to be silly and independent and self-assured and strong-willed and all the things that sometimes drive me crazy. But he also made him sweet and compassionate and smart and believe me, God knew what he was doing when He made him adorably blonde and blue-eyed with the cutest dimply smile.

 “Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Phillipians 2:1-4) It’s often obvious that God has placed me in a certain situation to spread His love to a hurting soul. And to be honest, I hate that. But I’m called as a Christian to be compassionate, to help those in need, and to show mercy and tenderness when it’s most needed. So in those times, I have to step out of the way and rely on the Holy Spirit to give me the words and to use me to minister to his grieving child.

So yes, as a Christian, I should be conscientious about what I do, what I say, and how I act. And yes, there are so many times I fail miserably. But, if I am living my life in accordance to God’s will, if I rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me, and I fall back on biblical teachings, I should be good to go. There are times when decisions need to be made about specific details, but having faith in God who in turn has faith in me to do what is good should give me confidence to make the right move. Much like a parent that has taught their child right from wrong must give them the freedom to make choices and is thrilled when they excel, so does God when I become obedient to his plan.

The words are childish – Don’t let me mess this up – but the heart behind it is, at the same time, mature, yet childlike. God guide me. Take control. Thy will be done. 

Under Attack

I’ve never been one to entertain thoughts and validate the existence of the supernatural. Novels and TV specials about ghosts and witches do not appeal (ok, repulse) me. I just do not get into Halloween (the ghouls and goblins part, free candy and cute kids in costumes I can totally handle!) I don’t understand the vampire movie craze. Period.

But I do acknowledge and fear the existence and power of Satan on this earth. The Bible makes it clear that he is living and active in the world. In the first chapter of Job, God asks Satan what he has been up to. His reply, “ ‘From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.’ “ Oh wow. You get this picture of Satan lurking around,” looking for a soul to steal”, to quote Charlie Daniels. And then obviously he shows up in the New Testament as well, trying his best to temp Jesus himself in the wilderness, and in Luke 22:3, “Satan entered into Judas” – seriously? Can he do that?? The book The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis fictitiously portrays the demon ‘Screwtape’ writing letters of instruction to his nephew demon’ Wormwood’, telling him exactly how to control the thoughts and actions of his human ‘patient’ to keep him from becoming a strong supporter of the ‘Enemy’ (God). Although not scripture, it sure does make you think.

Recently, I have seen Satan at work in my family’s life. No, we haven’t experienced and catastrophic losses or turned our back on our faith, but let me show you how he has attacked us with a timeline of the past two months.

Early in September, Scott and I committed to start reading and studying a chapter of the New Testament together every night (excluding the gospels and revelation, we would have studied the entire NT by the end of the year). All is well and good for a few weeks, and then my work schedule got crazy. I was gone a lot, slammed every day at work, emotionally and physically spent, on call two weekends in a row and scheduled to go to a conference the next weekend. We kept reading, but our relationship felt cold and distant. My ‘love language’ (read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman) has always been quality time, but we never could pinpoint Scott’s, he’s so laid back and even keel that nothing seems to phase him. Well, during that time, because I hadn’t been around or able to spend many quiet moments together, he figured out that his was quality time, too, and that he hadn’t felt at all loved in a long time. Epic. Wife. Fail. See what happened there? Scott and I attempted to grow together spiritually and Satan found a way to use my job to drive us apart.

So, the last weekend of September, he came to Fort Worth to go on a date with me while I was at my conference and we were able to reconnect. That night, we made some exciting plans for our future regarding decisions we’d been wrestling with for 6 months or more. This must have made the Devil really mad, because 2 days later he found a way to destroy our plans. Our last milk-hand at the dairy quit. If you aren’t in the dairy industry, you can’t fully grasp the impact this has, so I’ll run down the list of badness and uncertainty it has caused: 

1. Scott or Kenton would always have to milk either day or night (longer, harder hours to work).
2. A decision had to be made to keep milking cows, to milk less cows, or to sell the entire milk herd.
3. If they keep the cows, the guys work themselves to exhaustion and I never see my husband.
4. If they sell the cows, they no longer have jobs, and a proud 3 generations of dairy farming comes to a close.
5. All of the decisions and plans we’d made two nights earlier got put on hold, again.
6. Milk hands are hard to find, harder to train, and even harder to keep, so hiring another one was pretty much out of the question.

While my head was reeling with this news, I found comfort in two verses of scripture and posted them on Facebook, thinking maybe someone else might find encouragement as well. Apparently, the devil thinks scripture is a powerful thing, because the next day, a troublesome ex-church member passive-aggressively attacked me in the comments section under the scriptures (which opened a whole other can of worms, insert eye roll here). We somehow got through the rest of the week, and I had a few days off to spend together as a family before the hand was gone and life got harder.

That was Monday. Friday, I got to go to an amazing ladies retreat (see Turning Over a New Leaf) with my sister in law and found just what I needed to recharge my batteries, to recommit to studying and praying. Sunday, I had a major breakdown about putting Coleman back in daycare full time. He’s been spending Thursdays and Fridays with Scott, but would no longer be able to as Scott’s work schedule had changed. Scott and I read our Bible passage that night and God gave me some amazing scriptures to reaffirm the lessons from the retreat and encourage me that all was well.

I guess Satan decided to fight fire with fire, because the next afternoon, I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy (all the gory details can be found here). You see, he had to resort to an attack on my physical health to distract me from attending to my spiritual health. And it worked. We quit reading. I was sick. Scott was gone to the dairy. Coleman could sense that we were upset about something. He used the emotional roller-coaster of female hormones to guide misgivings about God’s plan for our family. He used Scott’s absence to let insecurities and worry creep in. It took almost the entire month of October to recover.

Do you see his strategy? Do you see how subtle, yet infiltrative his methods are? It was well thought out, carefully planned on a timeline, an offense for every defense. Every time we tried to rally, he came back with something even harder, kicked us while we were down. No, we didn’t suffer a major loss, praise God, but now we’ve lost something even more precious: time spent with God. And you’d better believe that is a huge victory to Satan.

But let me share something else with you. During this whole battle over our spiritual walk, God fought back:

-The Holy Spirit gave me scripture memory to lift me up just when I needed it most.

-God guided my studying to gird me up before the assault even started.

-He gave me the desire to attend the ladies retreat (I had to rearrange my on call schedule) where I learned some invaluable resources to dive into God’s word and reap the benefits.

- He used family to minister to our needs while I was sick and unable to do so.

-He provided friends that were concerned for us and look out for me.

- He delivered a sermon through a great friend about finding my faith to snap me back to reality and realize what was going on.

- He gave my husband unbelievable strength and patience, he reassured me that I mean the world to him, he was scared with me, and he took great care of me.

See that! GOD. FOUGHT. BACK. For me, for little ol’ me! Even when I didn’t know what was going on! And he does every single day for all of us-isn’t that just amazing?!? So the next time you think you’re being kicked while you are down, “count it all joy” just as Paul did. Take it as a compliment: you wouldn’t be a target if you weren’t doing something that made Satan mad and threatened his mission. But at the same time, be aware, be on guard, and allow God to fight back!