Professional Courtesy

Disclaimer: I am not writing this piece because I am looking down on professional or career women as a whole (I am one), nor do I want to discourage women from achieving goals and obtaining success. I want no part of so-called “mommy wars” and I am not starting a SAHM/WAHM/WOHM/FT/PT debate. I simply want to say what I wish someone had said to me 15 years ago.

I am a veterinarian. I spent 8 years in college and professional school. I have worked full time for the past 8 years, working 50+ hours a week and nights and weekends on call. I stay late to return phone calls, finish paperwork and clean up messes. Daily, I help owners make agonizing decisions about how to care for or euthanize their pets. I work with an amazing team of co-workers that I consider family. I have seen some pretty cool stuff and worked in some pretty awful conditions (makes for great stories, right?). I have diagnosed some really rare conditions and am able to do some cool procedures. I love my job, most days. ;)

I was told my whole young adult life that what I was doing was awesome. My friends and family were so proud of me and gave me the encouragement I needed to make it through vet school. Along the way, I made some of the best friends I could ever imagine. I was encouraged that all of my hard work in school would pay off, I’d have this awesome job, and that life would be great. The expense of school was to be considered and investment in my future that I’d be able to pay off easily. No worries. I invested much more than money into who I am today.

All of this enthusiasm was great. When I felt down, I could always find someone to lift me up and remind me about my goals. Even now, I am met with nothing but reassurance. But looking back, there was one thing no one ever told me, something I never even considered. No one ever stopped me and seriously asked me, “Sara, do you want to get married, do you want to be a mommy someday? Do you want to have a family? Do you want to be there for your family?” These things were the farthest from my mind when I was in school. I had no prospects for a husband, no time to date or even think about the future, other than that I was going to be a veterinarian. And to be honest, I probably would have said what I’d been conditioned to say. Young ladies are told their whole lives that we can have it all, we can be whatever we want to be, we can do it all. But no one ever mentions that if you have a career, that you will be doing it all- at the same time. In this modern society, where feminism, and multi-tasking, and glass ceilings are common themes, a young girl with professional aspirations is almost ashamed to stop and think, “but how am I going to juggle career and family?” or even to admit that deep down, they really want a husband and babies. Or at least I was.

For intelligent young women, success is measured by how many degrees one obtains, how much status they achieve through their careers, and a yearly salary and benefits. But then you reach the point where you are finished with school, you have a great job, and then…. what? Life begins. You meet an amazing man, fall in love and get married. You adjust and figure out how to both have careers and nurture a marriage. Then along comes a baby or two, and again, you make it work. But later, you lift your head above the mad chaos that has become your life and think, what am I doing? How can this possibly be healthy for me and my family? But by now, life has got you. Your career is taking off, you still need to make enough to make ends meet and pay back the huge school loans you “invested in”, and your babies are growing at warp speed.

Sadly, I think even the church can be involved in pushing women too hard. Exhibit A: the Proverbs 31 woman. She had it all. She did it all. She was all things to all people. And that is the standard that we are given to live up to. And it is intimidating and exhausting to read the list of her attributes: hard worker, early riser, successful business woman, caring employer, blessed mother, trustworthy wife, wise, kind, and well known in the community. She cooks, she weaves and sews, she gives to the needy, and to top it all off, she’s beautiful. Seriously, how does she do it?

I have a (completely theoretical) guess at the answer. It says she does all these things, but it doesn’t say that she did them all at the same time. Ecclesiastes 3 talks about different times in life. I believe that this amazing woman recognized that, in order to excel, that she needed to focus on certain things in different seasons of her life. She gained the respect and trust of her husband early in their marriage. She loved and nurtured her children while they were young and that carried over thought their adult lives. She took care of her household and her servants. Perhaps when the children were a bit older, she became a shrewd business woman and gained recognition in her community. And perhaps in her later years, she was hailed as a precious, beautiful jewel.

At the same time though, I’d like to point out that the Bible says “who can find” such a woman? Maybe we aren’t supposed to be all of these things? Maybe some are meant to gain wealth, some to run a household, some to be benevolent? We are made to be different, and we are called to serve where we are. Maybe being a Proverbs 31 woman means something different to each and every one of us? For some, a distinguished career. For others, being the uber-mom. For most of us, finding a balance between the two. Again, all speculation.

Professional women are often faced with a choice, family or career.  It doesn’t seem like a fair choice, there’s guilt and judgment either way from the SAHM v. WOHM battle lines. And I used to be one of those that looked down on women I knew that “gave up” their career for their families. I remember one instance in particular. I asked my cousin’s wife, who was in PA school at the time, why she didn’t just spend one more year in med school to become a doctor. Her answer: “I want to be a Mommy someday, and I can’t do that and be a doctor”. I thought that was ridiculous. Really, your aspirations in life are revolving around the chance that you might have a family someday? I didn’t realize how wise she really was.

And for that reason, I am going to have a discussion with every young woman I come in contact with that wants to become a vet. We mentor lots of high school, college age, and vet students at my practice, the majority of them female. I’m not going to tell them they need to be stay at home moms, or work part time, or put off having children or going to school. I hope to not really influence their decision to become a professional woman. I just want to plant the seed in their head that a decade from now, they will have other people in their lives and that the career they choose now will affect them greatly. And I’m going to tell them to prayerfully consider their career choice, not just outline the classes, tests, and applications necessary to get into school (again, something that was never mentioned to me). For those that are in vet school already, I’m going to mention to them to make sure there is room in their contracts for maternity leave, extended or family leave, managing their money to go part time if they need to, and being up front with their employers if they intend to have a family.

Again, I know I sound really jaded. I think it comes from my own guilt at having worked my son’s first 3 years of life away and not being there when my husband needs me. And yes, there are times I feel completely selfish for having chosen to borrow so much money for my education that I’ve now placed my family in a situation where I have no choice but to work. But I feel that maybe I can use my experience to help another young woman avoid some of the heartache I’ve experienced these past few years. At least I’ll put the idea in her head that yes, you can have it all, but do you really want it all at the same time?