I can't believe I did it.
Somehow, I managed to work a (more than) full time job and breast feed my baby for his entire first year. Somehow, despite a crazy schedule, little sleep, and a demanding, well, life in general, I was able to nurture a breastfeeding relationship. Somehow, I managed to survive a whole year of pumping enough milk for 3 or 4 feedings a day, nurse before work and bed time, and once or twice in the middle of the night and keep going with my day to day life.
It wasn't easy, I'll be the first to tell you that. I completely understand why the vast majority of working moms quit when they go back to work. Combine lack of sleep, lack of support, and lack of confidence with a demanding job and a demanding 6 week old and you can quickly see why any mother would give in to the bottle and the promise that "formula will make them sleep longer."
So how did I do it? My husband will tell you that one thing he loves about me is my determination. I set out to nurse for a year, and I did just that. I had a good friend (who's son would not nurse so she exclusively pumped for a year) encourage me by these words: " I just try and take it one day at a time. This morning I chose to keep going." And I think I repeated those words to myself at least once a week. And each night (most nights) as I would tally up the milk for my son for the next day, the words "give us this day our daily bread" would dance through my head and I would recall how God promised to provide just enough manna for one day to the Israelites for all that time spent in the desert. And I would smile to myself and realize that God had gotten us through one-more-day.
I began weaning Coleman mid-February. I had let him continue to nurse once or twice a night this entire time despite the experts saying that he should be able to "sleep through the night", but I just knew that he (and maybe I) needed to keep feeding every few hours. Sure enough, as I made him drop one, then the last, feeding, I could feel my body start shutting down production. I truly believe that he got the most during those night feedings- when the whole world was still and he and I could just be together, with no distractions, no to-do list. Really, is 15 minutes of lost sleep that big a deal?
After his first birthday, I started only pumping enough for 2, then 1, feeding a week. We switched him to sippy cups and whole milk and, although he took to it fairly easily, there was some resistance. The final week, I quit pumping at work altogether and my body adjusted with no complications. It was then that I realized how much Coleman loved to nurse. He would climb up into his daycare worker's lap, pat her on the chest or pull down his shirt and say "Mama". Most people, including her, found this funny, but I found it endearing to no end. All of those really hard days, weeks, and months had actually meant something to him. My stubborn-ness had paid off and had fostered a bond with my child.
You see, the main reason I kept nursing long after most women would have quit is this: I only spend 1-2 hours with my baby a day. Most of that is spent either getting ready for the day or getting ready for bed. There is no in between where we can just play. The vast majority of his waking hours is spent in someone else's care- someone else gets to watch him play and laugh and try new foods and put him down for naps and take care of him when he's sick. So sending my milk with him each day was my way of truly feeling like his mother, to "mark my territory" in a sense and send a little bit of me with him. And Coleman is not a cuddly baby- he's a curious, active on-the-go child. No long, drawn out nursing sessions for him, nope. A quick sip or two every few hours and he's on to the next thing. Except for the cuddly morning and nighttime feedings, when I could hold and breathe in my baby and feel like a mommy again.
A friend of mine had a baby the last week I nursed Coleman. I wrote her these words:
"I was thinking about you tonight as I was putting Coleman to bed. Day 2: the excitement of the delivery is over and hopefully you've gotten some rest. And by now you have had two full days of nursing a baby around the clock. You may be getting sore. Your milk may be coming in, adding a whole other layer of soreness. And as a new mom it is impossible to feel 100% comfortable with "the latch", how much milk he is getting, and nursing in front of other people, even Michael.
This is simply a note of encouragement! Try to relax through the pain and focus on that sweet little body that is still relying solely on you for strength and nourishment. Hold those tiny hands and marvel at how that tiny mouth knows just how everything works. When he falls asleep in your arms, take the opportunity to just. Be. Still. All of the struggles of learning how will soon be over and forgotten and you and Daniel will form an amazing bond.
I took this opportunity to do just this tonight as I nursed Coleman to sleep, perhaps for the last time. It is unbelievable how quickly time passes and hard to fathom that just a short/long year ago I was in your shoes. A year ago I would never have believed how naturally it would come, how much I would enjoy it, how it would become my favorite part of the day, and how much I would miss it.
So listen to your instincts, do what feels right, and try to enjoy this incredibly challenging part of your life so that you can look back on these next few weeks with fond memories and smile!"
That last before-bed feeding nearly killed me. But I survived enough to have my heart ripped out again the following night as I gave him a bottle and he cried to nurse. I tried to explain to Scott how it was the only thing that made me feel like a mommy, and the only time I got to cuddle with him. I don't think he understood it. Coleman has gotten a lot more clingy and is going through a major separation anxiety phase since then- all reinforcing to me how important it was to nurse as long as I did. If I were a part time or stay at home mom, I think I would still be nursing. I will nurse my next child for just as long. I am proud of myself for sticking it out. And finally knowing how much it meant to my child, from more than a nutrition standpoint, truly justifies all of the hard days and nights, and time spent hooked up to a pump. The struggle will not be my memory. The satisfaction of being "Mommy" will be.
