Don't Mess this Up!

It may sound weird, but probably my go-to prayer is, “God, don’t let me mess this up!”

• Each time I’ve found myself at a crossroads, trying to decide what lies ahead for my future, a different university than expected, a move, a career change, so worried that I would make the wrong decision.
• When I was dating Scott, I knew I had found someone special. Early in our relationship, I was worried I was going to do or say something that would make Scott want to head for the hills instead of being head over heels.
• Since having Coleman, I find myself in a constant wrestling match in my head over whether to discipline unruly behavior (adhering to my Type-A, everything should be just-so personality) or to let him be a boy, at the same time desperately not wanting to crush his tiny spirit and character.
• Those horrible moments when I have to tell someone who just buried a loved one that their pet and only remaining companion has a terminal illness.

Yes, I believe whole-heartedly in praying for specific aspects in most situations, but at the same time, I find myself getting too wrapped up in the details and over-analyzing everything and replaying in my head what I should have said or done when so and so said that (read: I’m a woman). It’s at that point I tend to throw up my hands and just quit trying to interfere. I quit trying to think for myself and beg God to dictate my thoughts, actions, and decisions. That quiet whisper, where I just finally let go and say “not my will, but Yours, be done” (Luke 22:42). Which is probably what I should have been doing in the first place, right?

So many well-known verses reinforce this concept.  

 “ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ “ Jeremiah 29:11 This verse tells me that God already knows where I’m going to live, who I’m going to marry, what I’m going to do with my life. Why even spend time thinking about it and worrying if I’m going to make the right decision? Why should I even question where I live or where I work, as long as I am not in direct opposition of God’s will, He can use me to further His kingdom.

“I have found the one whom my soul loves.” Song of Songs 3:4. Oh. So many times Scott or I could have just walked away (and still could, I suppose). But God is and always has been at the center of our relationship and our marriage. “What God has joined together…” Enough said.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;” Psalm 139:13-14 God knows my child better than I do. He made him to be silly and independent and self-assured and strong-willed and all the things that sometimes drive me crazy. But he also made him sweet and compassionate and smart and believe me, God knew what he was doing when He made him adorably blonde and blue-eyed with the cutest dimply smile.

 “Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Phillipians 2:1-4) It’s often obvious that God has placed me in a certain situation to spread His love to a hurting soul. And to be honest, I hate that. But I’m called as a Christian to be compassionate, to help those in need, and to show mercy and tenderness when it’s most needed. So in those times, I have to step out of the way and rely on the Holy Spirit to give me the words and to use me to minister to his grieving child.

So yes, as a Christian, I should be conscientious about what I do, what I say, and how I act. And yes, there are so many times I fail miserably. But, if I am living my life in accordance to God’s will, if I rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me, and I fall back on biblical teachings, I should be good to go. There are times when decisions need to be made about specific details, but having faith in God who in turn has faith in me to do what is good should give me confidence to make the right move. Much like a parent that has taught their child right from wrong must give them the freedom to make choices and is thrilled when they excel, so does God when I become obedient to his plan.

The words are childish – Don’t let me mess this up – but the heart behind it is, at the same time, mature, yet childlike. God guide me. Take control. Thy will be done. 

Under Attack

I’ve never been one to entertain thoughts and validate the existence of the supernatural. Novels and TV specials about ghosts and witches do not appeal (ok, repulse) me. I just do not get into Halloween (the ghouls and goblins part, free candy and cute kids in costumes I can totally handle!) I don’t understand the vampire movie craze. Period.

But I do acknowledge and fear the existence and power of Satan on this earth. The Bible makes it clear that he is living and active in the world. In the first chapter of Job, God asks Satan what he has been up to. His reply, “ ‘From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.’ “ Oh wow. You get this picture of Satan lurking around,” looking for a soul to steal”, to quote Charlie Daniels. And then obviously he shows up in the New Testament as well, trying his best to temp Jesus himself in the wilderness, and in Luke 22:3, “Satan entered into Judas” – seriously? Can he do that?? The book The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis fictitiously portrays the demon ‘Screwtape’ writing letters of instruction to his nephew demon’ Wormwood’, telling him exactly how to control the thoughts and actions of his human ‘patient’ to keep him from becoming a strong supporter of the ‘Enemy’ (God). Although not scripture, it sure does make you think.

Recently, I have seen Satan at work in my family’s life. No, we haven’t experienced and catastrophic losses or turned our back on our faith, but let me show you how he has attacked us with a timeline of the past two months.

Early in September, Scott and I committed to start reading and studying a chapter of the New Testament together every night (excluding the gospels and revelation, we would have studied the entire NT by the end of the year). All is well and good for a few weeks, and then my work schedule got crazy. I was gone a lot, slammed every day at work, emotionally and physically spent, on call two weekends in a row and scheduled to go to a conference the next weekend. We kept reading, but our relationship felt cold and distant. My ‘love language’ (read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman) has always been quality time, but we never could pinpoint Scott’s, he’s so laid back and even keel that nothing seems to phase him. Well, during that time, because I hadn’t been around or able to spend many quiet moments together, he figured out that his was quality time, too, and that he hadn’t felt at all loved in a long time. Epic. Wife. Fail. See what happened there? Scott and I attempted to grow together spiritually and Satan found a way to use my job to drive us apart.

So, the last weekend of September, he came to Fort Worth to go on a date with me while I was at my conference and we were able to reconnect. That night, we made some exciting plans for our future regarding decisions we’d been wrestling with for 6 months or more. This must have made the Devil really mad, because 2 days later he found a way to destroy our plans. Our last milk-hand at the dairy quit. If you aren’t in the dairy industry, you can’t fully grasp the impact this has, so I’ll run down the list of badness and uncertainty it has caused: 

1. Scott or Kenton would always have to milk either day or night (longer, harder hours to work).
2. A decision had to be made to keep milking cows, to milk less cows, or to sell the entire milk herd.
3. If they keep the cows, the guys work themselves to exhaustion and I never see my husband.
4. If they sell the cows, they no longer have jobs, and a proud 3 generations of dairy farming comes to a close.
5. All of the decisions and plans we’d made two nights earlier got put on hold, again.
6. Milk hands are hard to find, harder to train, and even harder to keep, so hiring another one was pretty much out of the question.

While my head was reeling with this news, I found comfort in two verses of scripture and posted them on Facebook, thinking maybe someone else might find encouragement as well. Apparently, the devil thinks scripture is a powerful thing, because the next day, a troublesome ex-church member passive-aggressively attacked me in the comments section under the scriptures (which opened a whole other can of worms, insert eye roll here). We somehow got through the rest of the week, and I had a few days off to spend together as a family before the hand was gone and life got harder.

That was Monday. Friday, I got to go to an amazing ladies retreat (see Turning Over a New Leaf) with my sister in law and found just what I needed to recharge my batteries, to recommit to studying and praying. Sunday, I had a major breakdown about putting Coleman back in daycare full time. He’s been spending Thursdays and Fridays with Scott, but would no longer be able to as Scott’s work schedule had changed. Scott and I read our Bible passage that night and God gave me some amazing scriptures to reaffirm the lessons from the retreat and encourage me that all was well.

I guess Satan decided to fight fire with fire, because the next afternoon, I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy (all the gory details can be found here). You see, he had to resort to an attack on my physical health to distract me from attending to my spiritual health. And it worked. We quit reading. I was sick. Scott was gone to the dairy. Coleman could sense that we were upset about something. He used the emotional roller-coaster of female hormones to guide misgivings about God’s plan for our family. He used Scott’s absence to let insecurities and worry creep in. It took almost the entire month of October to recover.

Do you see his strategy? Do you see how subtle, yet infiltrative his methods are? It was well thought out, carefully planned on a timeline, an offense for every defense. Every time we tried to rally, he came back with something even harder, kicked us while we were down. No, we didn’t suffer a major loss, praise God, but now we’ve lost something even more precious: time spent with God. And you’d better believe that is a huge victory to Satan.

But let me share something else with you. During this whole battle over our spiritual walk, God fought back:

-The Holy Spirit gave me scripture memory to lift me up just when I needed it most.

-God guided my studying to gird me up before the assault even started.

-He gave me the desire to attend the ladies retreat (I had to rearrange my on call schedule) where I learned some invaluable resources to dive into God’s word and reap the benefits.

- He used family to minister to our needs while I was sick and unable to do so.

-He provided friends that were concerned for us and look out for me.

- He delivered a sermon through a great friend about finding my faith to snap me back to reality and realize what was going on.

- He gave my husband unbelievable strength and patience, he reassured me that I mean the world to him, he was scared with me, and he took great care of me.

See that! GOD. FOUGHT. BACK. For me, for little ol’ me! Even when I didn’t know what was going on! And he does every single day for all of us-isn’t that just amazing?!? So the next time you think you’re being kicked while you are down, “count it all joy” just as Paul did. Take it as a compliment: you wouldn’t be a target if you weren’t doing something that made Satan mad and threatened his mission. But at the same time, be aware, be on guard, and allow God to fight back!

Got the "All Clear"

I just got the call from my doctor's office, and I am officially not pregnant.


WHAT?!?


Sounds weird, but on October 6th, I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy, meaning the embryo implanted in my fallopian tube instead of my uterus like it was supposed to. This condition can be life  threatening; if the tube ruptures, it can cause severe bleeding and requires emergency surgery. I was never in that type of critical condition, I was stable and never in any severe pain. So rather than surgery to remove the embryo, I was given an injection of methotrexate, a chemotherapy drug that destroys rapidly dividing cells. The injection made me very sick to my stomach, weak, and caused some pretty awful cramping, but this was the least invasive method and gives the greatest chance for preserving future fertility. We've been monitoring my pregnancy hormone (hcg) levels weekly since then, and they are finally below 5 (2,600 the first day).


To answer all your questions:

• No, we were not trying to conceive.
• I had been spotting for a few days and then developed some pain in my pelvis (like an ovarian cyst) and took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. The diagnosis was confirmed with an ultrasound and a quantitative HGC (measures the amount of hormone in my bloodstream, rather than just a positive or negative).
• I have no risk factors for this condition, it was just a random thing (actually, it occurs in 1 in 50 pregnancies)
• There is a 10% chance it could happen again, but my OB assured me that I shouldn't be worried at all about trying to have another baby at this point, and we only have to wait 1-2 months if we wanted to try.
• I would have been 6 weeks along.

And the million dollar question: How are you doing emotionally? Well, although it feels a little callous, we're fine. If I had found out I was pregnant a few weeks before, then found out it was ectopic, I can see where I would feel some degree of  loss. But the fact is, I suspected the ectopic and then took a pregnancy test, so the entire time, it was more like I was making a medical diagnosis of something that could require emergency surgery and a blood transfusion. Then on the other hand, it's a little sad in that Scott and I (and God) conceived a child and it couldn't survive- it would have been so much better to be 10 weeks along and getting ready to announce our excitement to the world. And I'm pretty sure that next time we are pregnant, we'll value a healthy pregnancy just a little more.


So, while it sounds so strange to be excited about not being pregnant, it means that this is finally resolved, that I am healed, and that I don't have to undergo more injections or surgery- all good things. Praise be to God for healing and prompt proper medical care, and props to my handsome hubby for a month of support and taking care of me. And blessings on our little baby - even though you were only a part of our lives for less than 24 hours, we are honored that God chose us to be your parents.

Mary Kay

I wear many, many hats. Wife, mother, veterinarian, friend, daughter, ____ in-law, sister, and ...
Mary Kay lady??


If you know me, that would be the absolute last thing you would think I would do in my infinite spare time. Yes, I am a Mary Kay Independent Sales Consultant (and an Advanced Color Consultant, at that!).


What? How? Well, my lovely cousin, Vanessa Parkey, got me hooked on the products while I was at Tech. And she sold them to me at cost. Like a drug dealer getting a kid addicted to crack. And then she pulled the old, "I need a new consultant, either sign up or start paying full price" routine. That was in 2004, and I've sold enough to get my 50% discount ever since (read: I ordered once or twice a year and kept my friend, mom, and sister-in-law with their supply).


Then in June, she told me it had been a year since I ordered and I was going to become inactive if I didn't order. That got me thinking.....

• Maybe I should see if a few more of my friends would like to order something?
• What if I actually start selling and make a little extra cash?
• What if I sell enough to make a big order every month (instead of every 3 months)?
• What would it take to replace part of my salary so I could go part time?
• I wonder if I could get to that point in a years time?

And I talked to Vanessa about it. Her answer to all the questions: absolutely!! And she offered to help get me back on my feet with training and selling tips and even coached me what to say (of course, the better I do, the better she does as my director). So slowly but surely, I've been building up my customer base, my inventory, and my sales knowledge. I have a website, business cards, and a pro-pay account.


Two things drew me to explore Mary Kay as a business opportunity. First, the slogan

"God first. Family second. Career third."

a mantra established by Mary Kay Ash. Isn't that how it should be? Isn't that the opposite of my current life, and why my time feels so unevenly distributed? Another tag line:

"Discover what you love."

is written on all the propaganda, from the boxes, to the catalogues, all over the website. It was like a dare to re-prioritize me life, to find a means towards and end. I talked it over with Scott, and we decided I would go for it, knowing my life would be a little busier until I reached my earning goals, and then we would use my MK income to replace what I would loose if I went part time.


So while life has prevented me from expanding as rapidly as I wanted to, I have made some progress, held several successful parties, and increased my income. A few things have surprised me though about starting this business. 1. This is fun! It's awesome to see someone try a product they love or get excited about how beautiful they look after a facial. 2. I have yet to make anyone cry- like I do almost daily at my other job (not because I'm mean, I'm just the bearer of bad news and the grim reaper). Ladies are usually laughing and cutting up and enjoying themselves. 3. I get to have girl time and meet new people- something you just don't get the luxury of doing as a working mom.


And now, the sales pitch (you knew it was coming!) If you are interested in hosting a party (can be as few as 2-3 of your friends), having a one-on-one facial, or want more information about the Mary Kay opportunity, please visit my website and contact me via message. Hope to meet you soon!

www.marykay.com/sholloway

Turning Over a New Leaf

Earlier this month, I had the pleasure of traveling with my favorite sister in law to a Church of Christ Ladies Retreat held at Quartz Mountain Christian Camp in Altus, Oklahoma. A dear friend of mine from my church in Stillwater had sent out a mass FB message calling our attention to the retreat because our ladies minister/secretary from the campus ministry there was the speaker. So, 4 of us made plans to attend and didn't tell her we were going to be there until we plopped down on the front row and made her day!


Not only was it good to see everyone and spend a little girl time with my seesters, but the message Sabrina brought was, of course, just what I needed to hear. I can't really pinpoint one central theme (I'm sure it was there and I just didn't put it all together), but there were so many great snippets and one liners that caught my attention that it was very refreshing. Here are a few, in no particular order:


Uno: The idea that "It's enough" - meaning, to let God use your imperfections and shortcomings to glorify Him despite your best intentions. For example, you bring a meal to someone and then realize you forgot dessert. You are headed to speak somewhere and realize your nails look awful. You look around at your house after working all day and cooking a good meal and getting the kids to bed and shame yourself because it's a total mess. God asks us to live our lives for Him, but he never expects us to be perfect, especially in the petty things that don't matter. That little phrase, "it's enough", has given me room to breathe and cut myself some slack.


Dos: The realization that God wants us to seek Him, to look in His Word, and to find Him. Yes, I've known these concepts all along, but Sabrina pointed out that the Bible isn't a big mystery- it's there in black and white. When we need a blessing from God, it's right there!!! Waiting to be discovered!!! He still speaks to us, we just need to realize that that's what He's trying to do! This became real to me Sunday night after the retreat. We are going through some crazy changes (more in another blog) and I was so completely distraught and wondering "why?" but I went to my Bible reading for the day and boom! Romans 15:4 and 13 were practically leaping off the page. 4: "For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." (Oh my word- is that not what Sabrina was talking about all weekend???) and 13: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Huge, deep breath of fresh air and assurance right there. Little did I know that 12 hours later I would need those words so much more (another post, another day).


Tres: How to study the Bible. This seems so elementary, right? You sit down in a quiet place, open, read, and pray. But, completely off topic, I thought, Sabrina had us take a quiz to determine what type of learner we are, visual, auditory, or tactile. I am highly visual: I need to read, take notes, underline, highlight. I've always said that if I don't have a pen in my hand when listening to a lecture or sermon I don't learn anything. I would recopy my notes from lectures during vet school into spirals, and I can still tell you, 9 years later, that the information on nitrate poisoning is towards the middle of the book, on the left hand side and takes up the entire page. If I ever wrote anything down wrong, I learned it wrong. But why had I never applied this to studying my Bible? Why do I not make my own notes, maybe I would memorize scriptures better. Why don't I map out Paul's missionary journeys in Acts for myself in a diagram? I always felt like underlining anything in my Bible was taboo (am I adding to scripture or making one verse more important than another by writing in my Bible??). But you know what? I sure can find Romans 15: 4 and 13 much easier now that they are underlined, with notations, and exclamation points. Such a genius idea, I may have to use that for my next bible study.


Which brings me to Quatro: Spending time with Sabrina and my girls reminded me just how much I need fellowship and friendship in my life. Confession: I have trended towards living my life as a loner lately. I am a working mom (with ridiculous hours) where the others at my church are SAHM, part time, or work normal jobs which allow them to be home on nights and weekends and spend time taking care of their families. I have an exhausting job, physically, emotionally, and mentally, where the others I know, well, don't. And in the free time I do have, I feel obligated to use to clean house, cook, and spend strictly with family, instead of selfishly wanting to go out for coffee with a girlfriend. Sabrina also reminded me of the several Bible studies she and I led or attended together during my 4 years at OSU. And, most incredibly, she told a story about a time I encouraged her through a CD I had given her, and I didn't even know it had made such an impact in her life. My point is, not only am I missing out on building Christian friendships, but how many opportunities to bless or encourage others have I missed by being becoming hermit?


With all that said, I have it in my head to, yet again, attempt to start up a ladies Bible study. My hope is that next quarter, we'll split our young adult Wednesday night class into separate men and women's classes (1. because finding a time outside of church is impossible, and 2. I don't want anyone to feel excluded by giving it a small group feel at my house). There is a ladies class at our church, but it's at 10 a.m. on Wednesday, so really, no one that works can go (read: mostly the older ladies go). My prayer is that we are all blessed, we grow together, and that we are able to dive deep into His Word. I had big expectations going into that weekend, needing to be refreshed, wanting to learn more about God, and looking forward to spending time with some great friend- I serve a God who delivers!!!

Bad Blogger

Really? April? That's the last time I wrote anything???


SMH


Okay, so my goal now is to write something every Wednesday. Why Wednesday? Because I'm over at our office in Nocona, and I have ooooodles of free time that day. So, topics to cover include:


Ladies Retreat
Spiritual Warfare/Attack (yep, getting deep)
Loss (intriguingly vague enough for you?)
Changing times.....


Okay, that should get me started.


Here we go:


[Oh! and Mary Kay!]

Happy Easter!!

Easter has always been one of my favorite times of the year. So many great childhood memories with my family, great Sunday services, and, of course, Easter bonnets!!! The past two years, Kendra and I have done our best to bring the Easter bonnet, so much fun! And we get great compliments from envy one who used to remember when every lady wore a hat to church every Sunday.

But, mostly, I love celebrating the resurrection. Even though the church of Christ does not recognize Easter Sunday as resurrection Sunday (because, just like Christmas, we're not actually commanded to  celebrate religious holidays in the New Testament. But I find it nice that, at least once a year, the Christian world stops and dwells on the fact that Jesus died for our sins and rose victoriously to save us. There are so many powerful scriptures and great songs, but one of my favorites is How Deep the Father's Love for Us.

How deep the father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give his only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen one
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out amount the scoffers
It was my son that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

I mean, really, that says it all. It's so personal and touching and powerful. And it makes a great lullaby, just ask Coleman and Scott! Happy Easter!!!!

Slacker

Yep, that's me! I'm not quite sure how it has been 7 months since my last post. Oh wait, yeah I do. I work 50+ hours a week and keep up with a two year old and a dairyman. At any rate, my preacher referred to something in his sermon last night and I remembered that I had this to say about it. And then I spent over an hour reading old posts and thinking, "I should still be recording our lives, no matter how menial and boring they seem." Also, a friend of mine, who quit blogging, cited the reason she started blogging was to narrate their lives to far away friends and family, and that she stopped because they all lived close now and were in constant contact.


So, I think I'll start blogging again. It's a nice way to reflect, to keep up with our lives, and to let my not-so-close family know what we've been up to. Wednesday's can be kind of slow for me, so the goal is to get a blog post in weekly then. Wish me luck!