Runner's High

I run for fun. Yeah, I said fun, as in, a hobby. It started as a vanity thing following a doctor's appointment and an embarrassing number on the scale. then it turned into a way to get into shape in anticipation of trying to have a baby and wanting to have a healthy pregnancy. Then it became a way to get out the door with my son in the stroller. Sine then, I've run several 5Ks, one 10K, and got 3/4 of the way through training for a half marathon before medical complications benched me. Now, it's become more of a sanity thing. It clears my head, makes me believe I can eat more chocolate, and give me something to work towards (I can be a little too determined sometimes). The trick is, I have to be signed up for a race or working towards a new speed or distance goal to find the motivation to keep training. 

The Bible is chock full of verses that speak to runners:

• "When you walk, your steps will not be hindered, and when you run, you will not stumble." Proverbs 4:12
• "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
• "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? run in such a way that you may obtain it.... Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air." 1 Corinthians 9: 24 & 26
• "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7

Sometimes I remember these verses when I run, but mostly, I gasp out a few phrases here and there. 

Today, during Bible class, I was able to identify with one of the most well-known passages in the New Testament in a completely new way. I am always in awe of the fact that I can read familiar words and pull something new out of them each time or at a different season of my life. I think that speaks to how the words are “living and active” (Heb 4:12)

Hebrews 11. The Great Faith Chapter. It starts with the best definition of faith given in the Bible. Then reminds us that we believe by faith that the Word of God formed the worlds. Then it lists all of the major players in the OT that had amazing faith: Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, and Rahab. Honorable mention is given to several others and the chapter is summed up by listing all of the methods by which the faithful were tortured and murdered and otherwise suffered for their beliefs. All of this is like a crescendo to the charge given in Hebrews 12:1. “Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,”

Yeah, I loved it already because of the mention of running, but let’s go back to Hebrews 11 verse 13 “these all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.” and verse 39 “And all these, having obtained a good testimony through faith, did not receive the promise.”[emphasis mine] The great faith heroes of chapter 11 never reached the finish line, but that was their motivation for continuing on, with the vast hope that they would someday, somehow get to see the promised land, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was something better yet to come! They knew they weren’t home yet. Joseph didn’t even have his bones buried and 440 some odd years later he was finally laid to rest in the land of Cannan- because he had the faith to know that just because his story ended in Egypt, God’s story was far from finished.

So, let me tie it all together. When I run, especially when I’m training for something, during the last mile of my run, I imagine that it’s the last mile in my race. I push myself, I lip sync to the fast paced music playing full blast on my headphones, I run as fast as I can that last ½ mile, I picture myself crossing the finish line. Mile 2 becomes mile 12. I can almost hear the crowds cheering, can see Scott at the finish line waiting for me, can taste the chocolate milk that will quench my thirst and speed my recovery. And I can feel the pride that my hard work and months of training has paid off big and I accomplished my goal. The energy I get from transforming my mind gets me through that last leg, even though it’s not the real deal.

And I thought, that’s how the faith heroes did it, they could see the tape stretched out at the finish line and knew that finishing was all they had to focus on. That’s the other thing that’s funny about running: I never run to win, I run to finish without stopping, I run to give my very best, regardless of what the other competitors are doing. If I can give this much dedication and determination to something so worldly, why can I not do it for my Father’s kingdom? I have all of the inspirational slogans I need spelled out for me in the Word. I have a cheering section behind me. My God is waiting for me at the finish line to give me a “Well done” and hopefully a high five. I have living water to quench my thirst. And the best part? This is a race I will win. I will receive the prize. My reward will be eternal life. 

Don't Mess this Up!

It may sound weird, but probably my go-to prayer is, “God, don’t let me mess this up!”

• Each time I’ve found myself at a crossroads, trying to decide what lies ahead for my future, a different university than expected, a move, a career change, so worried that I would make the wrong decision.
• When I was dating Scott, I knew I had found someone special. Early in our relationship, I was worried I was going to do or say something that would make Scott want to head for the hills instead of being head over heels.
• Since having Coleman, I find myself in a constant wrestling match in my head over whether to discipline unruly behavior (adhering to my Type-A, everything should be just-so personality) or to let him be a boy, at the same time desperately not wanting to crush his tiny spirit and character.
• Those horrible moments when I have to tell someone who just buried a loved one that their pet and only remaining companion has a terminal illness.

Yes, I believe whole-heartedly in praying for specific aspects in most situations, but at the same time, I find myself getting too wrapped up in the details and over-analyzing everything and replaying in my head what I should have said or done when so and so said that (read: I’m a woman). It’s at that point I tend to throw up my hands and just quit trying to interfere. I quit trying to think for myself and beg God to dictate my thoughts, actions, and decisions. That quiet whisper, where I just finally let go and say “not my will, but Yours, be done” (Luke 22:42). Which is probably what I should have been doing in the first place, right?

So many well-known verses reinforce this concept.  

 “ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ “ Jeremiah 29:11 This verse tells me that God already knows where I’m going to live, who I’m going to marry, what I’m going to do with my life. Why even spend time thinking about it and worrying if I’m going to make the right decision? Why should I even question where I live or where I work, as long as I am not in direct opposition of God’s will, He can use me to further His kingdom.

“I have found the one whom my soul loves.” Song of Songs 3:4. Oh. So many times Scott or I could have just walked away (and still could, I suppose). But God is and always has been at the center of our relationship and our marriage. “What God has joined together…” Enough said.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;” Psalm 139:13-14 God knows my child better than I do. He made him to be silly and independent and self-assured and strong-willed and all the things that sometimes drive me crazy. But he also made him sweet and compassionate and smart and believe me, God knew what he was doing when He made him adorably blonde and blue-eyed with the cutest dimply smile.

 “Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Phillipians 2:1-4) It’s often obvious that God has placed me in a certain situation to spread His love to a hurting soul. And to be honest, I hate that. But I’m called as a Christian to be compassionate, to help those in need, and to show mercy and tenderness when it’s most needed. So in those times, I have to step out of the way and rely on the Holy Spirit to give me the words and to use me to minister to his grieving child.

So yes, as a Christian, I should be conscientious about what I do, what I say, and how I act. And yes, there are so many times I fail miserably. But, if I am living my life in accordance to God’s will, if I rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me, and I fall back on biblical teachings, I should be good to go. There are times when decisions need to be made about specific details, but having faith in God who in turn has faith in me to do what is good should give me confidence to make the right move. Much like a parent that has taught their child right from wrong must give them the freedom to make choices and is thrilled when they excel, so does God when I become obedient to his plan.

The words are childish – Don’t let me mess this up – but the heart behind it is, at the same time, mature, yet childlike. God guide me. Take control. Thy will be done. 

Under Attack

I’ve never been one to entertain thoughts and validate the existence of the supernatural. Novels and TV specials about ghosts and witches do not appeal (ok, repulse) me. I just do not get into Halloween (the ghouls and goblins part, free candy and cute kids in costumes I can totally handle!) I don’t understand the vampire movie craze. Period.

But I do acknowledge and fear the existence and power of Satan on this earth. The Bible makes it clear that he is living and active in the world. In the first chapter of Job, God asks Satan what he has been up to. His reply, “ ‘From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.’ “ Oh wow. You get this picture of Satan lurking around,” looking for a soul to steal”, to quote Charlie Daniels. And then obviously he shows up in the New Testament as well, trying his best to temp Jesus himself in the wilderness, and in Luke 22:3, “Satan entered into Judas” – seriously? Can he do that?? The book The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis fictitiously portrays the demon ‘Screwtape’ writing letters of instruction to his nephew demon’ Wormwood’, telling him exactly how to control the thoughts and actions of his human ‘patient’ to keep him from becoming a strong supporter of the ‘Enemy’ (God). Although not scripture, it sure does make you think.

Recently, I have seen Satan at work in my family’s life. No, we haven’t experienced and catastrophic losses or turned our back on our faith, but let me show you how he has attacked us with a timeline of the past two months.

Early in September, Scott and I committed to start reading and studying a chapter of the New Testament together every night (excluding the gospels and revelation, we would have studied the entire NT by the end of the year). All is well and good for a few weeks, and then my work schedule got crazy. I was gone a lot, slammed every day at work, emotionally and physically spent, on call two weekends in a row and scheduled to go to a conference the next weekend. We kept reading, but our relationship felt cold and distant. My ‘love language’ (read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman) has always been quality time, but we never could pinpoint Scott’s, he’s so laid back and even keel that nothing seems to phase him. Well, during that time, because I hadn’t been around or able to spend many quiet moments together, he figured out that his was quality time, too, and that he hadn’t felt at all loved in a long time. Epic. Wife. Fail. See what happened there? Scott and I attempted to grow together spiritually and Satan found a way to use my job to drive us apart.

So, the last weekend of September, he came to Fort Worth to go on a date with me while I was at my conference and we were able to reconnect. That night, we made some exciting plans for our future regarding decisions we’d been wrestling with for 6 months or more. This must have made the Devil really mad, because 2 days later he found a way to destroy our plans. Our last milk-hand at the dairy quit. If you aren’t in the dairy industry, you can’t fully grasp the impact this has, so I’ll run down the list of badness and uncertainty it has caused: 

1. Scott or Kenton would always have to milk either day or night (longer, harder hours to work).
2. A decision had to be made to keep milking cows, to milk less cows, or to sell the entire milk herd.
3. If they keep the cows, the guys work themselves to exhaustion and I never see my husband.
4. If they sell the cows, they no longer have jobs, and a proud 3 generations of dairy farming comes to a close.
5. All of the decisions and plans we’d made two nights earlier got put on hold, again.
6. Milk hands are hard to find, harder to train, and even harder to keep, so hiring another one was pretty much out of the question.

While my head was reeling with this news, I found comfort in two verses of scripture and posted them on Facebook, thinking maybe someone else might find encouragement as well. Apparently, the devil thinks scripture is a powerful thing, because the next day, a troublesome ex-church member passive-aggressively attacked me in the comments section under the scriptures (which opened a whole other can of worms, insert eye roll here). We somehow got through the rest of the week, and I had a few days off to spend together as a family before the hand was gone and life got harder.

That was Monday. Friday, I got to go to an amazing ladies retreat (see Turning Over a New Leaf) with my sister in law and found just what I needed to recharge my batteries, to recommit to studying and praying. Sunday, I had a major breakdown about putting Coleman back in daycare full time. He’s been spending Thursdays and Fridays with Scott, but would no longer be able to as Scott’s work schedule had changed. Scott and I read our Bible passage that night and God gave me some amazing scriptures to reaffirm the lessons from the retreat and encourage me that all was well.

I guess Satan decided to fight fire with fire, because the next afternoon, I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy (all the gory details can be found here). You see, he had to resort to an attack on my physical health to distract me from attending to my spiritual health. And it worked. We quit reading. I was sick. Scott was gone to the dairy. Coleman could sense that we were upset about something. He used the emotional roller-coaster of female hormones to guide misgivings about God’s plan for our family. He used Scott’s absence to let insecurities and worry creep in. It took almost the entire month of October to recover.

Do you see his strategy? Do you see how subtle, yet infiltrative his methods are? It was well thought out, carefully planned on a timeline, an offense for every defense. Every time we tried to rally, he came back with something even harder, kicked us while we were down. No, we didn’t suffer a major loss, praise God, but now we’ve lost something even more precious: time spent with God. And you’d better believe that is a huge victory to Satan.

But let me share something else with you. During this whole battle over our spiritual walk, God fought back:

-The Holy Spirit gave me scripture memory to lift me up just when I needed it most.

-God guided my studying to gird me up before the assault even started.

-He gave me the desire to attend the ladies retreat (I had to rearrange my on call schedule) where I learned some invaluable resources to dive into God’s word and reap the benefits.

- He used family to minister to our needs while I was sick and unable to do so.

-He provided friends that were concerned for us and look out for me.

- He delivered a sermon through a great friend about finding my faith to snap me back to reality and realize what was going on.

- He gave my husband unbelievable strength and patience, he reassured me that I mean the world to him, he was scared with me, and he took great care of me.

See that! GOD. FOUGHT. BACK. For me, for little ol’ me! Even when I didn’t know what was going on! And he does every single day for all of us-isn’t that just amazing?!? So the next time you think you’re being kicked while you are down, “count it all joy” just as Paul did. Take it as a compliment: you wouldn’t be a target if you weren’t doing something that made Satan mad and threatened his mission. But at the same time, be aware, be on guard, and allow God to fight back!