Identity Crisis

Ever had one of those? I've had several. The first one was gradual when I moved off to college. I think everyone goes through that one, when you are out on your own and really learning who you are as a person, not who everyone else wants you to be. I think you also find your faith during this time. You pick your church, you decide if you are even going to church, you ask your questions, things aren't spoon fed to you any more from your parents or your youth minister. I've always thought college was the perfect transition into the real world. You still have people telling you what to do. You now have more financial responsibility, but this is usually shared by roommates or parents and within the confines of student loans or a part time job. You also build friends, colleagues, and mentors for life.

My second identity crisis came when I graduated from college and became a doctor. I was not longer "Sara" but "Dr. Schweers." I was in a small town, on my own completely, had a real demanding job, and way more adult responsibility than I ever wanted. Again, I think this is a normal transition, albeit difficult to navigate.

The third came when I got married and it blind-sided me. I all of a sudden went from just me to a part of something way bigger than me. I had vowed in front of God to stand beside someone "until death do us part." Two became one. I was no longer living for myself but for us. It took a while for the enormity of that to sink in. We function as a unit and are whole together. The hard part is trying to navigate and remain yourself while realizing how every single thing you do will impact the other.

I love the relationship I have with Scott. We are best friends, lovers, playmates, roommates (I now live with a boy!). It's hard to describe, but even though we are a part of each other, we still allow each other the freedom to be ourselves. I think that is key, to not be completely enmeshed. To continue with your own activities and lives but as a family. To continue to give each other a little space (and completely trust one another) but still miss them when you aren't around. I love learning to be what Scott needs. It gives me great joy to know that I am his soft place to land, and that he is my anchor.

I'm also facing another ID crisis: where to go with my career. Do I continue on as a hard-core clinician and pursue board certification (in what field, I have no earthly idea)? Do I stay content and just truck on with what I know and gain new experiences along the way? Do I back off when it's time to raise a family? If we move, will I have to settle for whatever job I can get, even if not in my exact field of interest or as progressive as I'd like or more demanding than I want?

What I do know is that right now I am Mrs. Scott Holloway and Dr. Sara Holloway all at the same time, and I think I do a pretty darn good job of balancing this Jekyll/Hyde act..... for now!

Time flies

I just realized that June is over half-way finished and I haven't written a new post. Oops.

That's probably because not much is going on here. Scott, his dad and even his sister all pitched in and got the first cutting of hay done, hauled off and stored away. Unless it rains, that may be the only cutting we get this summer as things are really, really dry. There is rain in the forecast early next week, so we're praying for that. We also have a bunch of 1st-calf heifers that are about to calve, so hopefully everything goes well with that.

We went to my MIL's family reunion last Sunday which is always nice because these are actual in-laws and cousins that get along. No conflict or bitterness present at all. Also, I actually got to know my BIL a little bit and see him when he's relaxed and enjoying himself. I won't mention the reason why. :)

Scott's been gone 3 days this week to Washington, DC with the DFA YC group. They went to a convention to learn how to approach congressmen with pressing issues, then he got to meet Mac Thornberry and meet with staffers from Kay Bailey Hutchinson's and someone else's office. And he got to go on tours around DC and eat fancy meals. I had looked forward to going with him all year, but the date was changed at the last minute and I wasn't able to go because my boss had already taken those three days off for his daughter's wedding. I was okay with him going without me initially because someone needed to represent us and he's never been there, but then when he was gone I got super upset that I was missing out on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and it's completely ruined my week. I have a few hours to get happy and morph back into the supportive wife before he gets home, and enjoy my clean house before he gets home, too. Apparently, I was single for way too long.

Other than that, we've just been working and trying to beat the heat. Daytime Hi's have been near or over 100 for the past 2 weeks which makes working outside miserable. I'm in desperate need of a vacation that is non-veterinary, non-dairy, and non-family related, so I'm going to try to arrange that before to long.