Identity Crisis

Ever had one of those? I've had several. The first one was gradual when I moved off to college. I think everyone goes through that one, when you are out on your own and really learning who you are as a person, not who everyone else wants you to be. I think you also find your faith during this time. You pick your church, you decide if you are even going to church, you ask your questions, things aren't spoon fed to you any more from your parents or your youth minister. I've always thought college was the perfect transition into the real world. You still have people telling you what to do. You now have more financial responsibility, but this is usually shared by roommates or parents and within the confines of student loans or a part time job. You also build friends, colleagues, and mentors for life.

My second identity crisis came when I graduated from college and became a doctor. I was not longer "Sara" but "Dr. Schweers." I was in a small town, on my own completely, had a real demanding job, and way more adult responsibility than I ever wanted. Again, I think this is a normal transition, albeit difficult to navigate.

The third came when I got married and it blind-sided me. I all of a sudden went from just me to a part of something way bigger than me. I had vowed in front of God to stand beside someone "until death do us part." Two became one. I was no longer living for myself but for us. It took a while for the enormity of that to sink in. We function as a unit and are whole together. The hard part is trying to navigate and remain yourself while realizing how every single thing you do will impact the other.

I love the relationship I have with Scott. We are best friends, lovers, playmates, roommates (I now live with a boy!). It's hard to describe, but even though we are a part of each other, we still allow each other the freedom to be ourselves. I think that is key, to not be completely enmeshed. To continue with your own activities and lives but as a family. To continue to give each other a little space (and completely trust one another) but still miss them when you aren't around. I love learning to be what Scott needs. It gives me great joy to know that I am his soft place to land, and that he is my anchor.

I'm also facing another ID crisis: where to go with my career. Do I continue on as a hard-core clinician and pursue board certification (in what field, I have no earthly idea)? Do I stay content and just truck on with what I know and gain new experiences along the way? Do I back off when it's time to raise a family? If we move, will I have to settle for whatever job I can get, even if not in my exact field of interest or as progressive as I'd like or more demanding than I want?

What I do know is that right now I am Mrs. Scott Holloway and Dr. Sara Holloway all at the same time, and I think I do a pretty darn good job of balancing this Jekyll/Hyde act..... for now!