Overwhelmed

Well, this is not the way I envisioned this post to go.

Explanation: Yesterday and Wednesday, I was composing a post in my head to tell you all about our new home. Wednesday, we made an offer and signed a contract on a really cute, older farm house with 4 acres and a barn about a mile and a half from the dairy. It's a 3 bed/2 bath house with a larger kitchen and a lot of potential to make it our very own (read: it needed leveling and some cosmetic work, but we were actually excited about it). Of course, I had it all fixed up and decorated in my head and had day-dreams about raising our family in our home. To make a long story short, through a series of events, we found out that the owners flip houses cheaply and poorly and the inspection found so many more things that were majorly wrong with the house (roof, pluming, etc.) that we have pretty much decided to not buy the house. Fortunately, we put a "pending inspection" clause in our contract, so we should get back our earnest money (fingers crossed).

So now what? Well, the options are:
1. Make do where we are (less than 500 square feet)
2. Find another house to buy or rent
3. Move a mobile home or build on some land that Scott's parents may deed to us (that was thrown out there this morning, not really a possibility yet)
4. Trade houses with either Kenton and Suzan or Grandpa- not wild about the idea of displacing his family from their homes

So yes, we have a few options. And yes, we are very blessed to have a home currently and can try to fit a baby and all his stuff in it for a few months with some very creative re-arranging. I keep telling myself to stop crying and stop throwing a fit and have faith that something will work out and it will all be okay. I'm pretty sure Scott thinks I'm ridiculous for crying so much about it. I know, I got my hopes up, but everything was going just perfectly and I'd done so much to get all the stuff to bank and the title company and it was all going to come together just in time to move in before the baby got here. I was looking forward to bringing my son home to a permanent place, with a space of his own and an nursery and room for us to live as a family. Again, I sound like I'm whining, but I don't know how to tell you how cramped we are already, how easily the house looks like a tornado hit it, and how I can't even begin to imagine cramming all the stuff we need for a baby into the house- and forget finding a place for baby bottles, even.

To say the very least, I'm very disappointed. I think because I know that this isn't what's in our very best interest, even though we wanted it to be and I needed it to be because I need that security. And Becca's I have this ticking clock in my belly and desperately need to be settled before it goes off. And because I know that Scott and I are the most cautious people I know and will never take a chance like this. Sometimes I think we're too cautious, maybe to a fault, as in, a lack of faith that it will be fine if we just go for it.

I'm overwhelmed. I have no sense of direction and I'm back at square one. I hate feeling this completely lost with zero guidance and not knowing what's best for us. Soooo much is about to change and I hate not being able to even imagine how things are going to work. As always, Scott just says, "it will all work out" and while I know he's disappointed too, and that he does care, he has more faith (or just less worry). I know all of this, but from him, it comes out as indifference.

So the plan is, for this weekend, to just try to forget about it and start fresh on Tuesday. Scott is headed to meet up with some college friends and I am going to tackle what nesting-type projects I can and then spend New Years with my cousin and her family. Settle down. Breathe. Refocus..... Ready..... Break!