An Answer to Prayer

I’ve been struggling a lot lately. 

Do you ever pray and pray and pray about something and never get an answer? Not even a “no” or “wait” or even any peace about it? I’ve been wrestling with this one particular something off and on for the past 6 weeks.  I have good days and bad days, days where I am supremely confident and days when I seriously question if what I am doing is hurting those I love the most. I’ve let it consume me and define who I am as a person. It’s not been a happy time in my life.

One day last week I was at a breaking point. I was exhausted, tired of crying, tired of praying, tired of stressing, and oh-so-ready to just give up.  It was an unseasonably cool day and I decided to go for a walk with my baby, just to get some fresh air. I love the winding, picturesque dirt road next to my house- it’s my favorite place to run and clear my head. Our neighbors also just built a new road through their property around a large tank and I was eager to explore (I had been given permission. Don’t trespass. Especially in Texas.) so we started off at a brisk pace.

Again, I found myself praying, no, begging God for some kind of peace over this current thorn in my flesh. I turned the power walk into a prayer walk, and it wasn’t long until the tears started flowing. I texted two friends that I had confided in a few weeks ago and told them I could use some prayers, that I was really struggling at the moment. Their replies came quickly with offers to come help in any possible way, full of love and support.

My daughter slept most of the way, but woke up and started to fuss with a half mile to go. I started singing “Jesus Loves Me” but that wasn’t cutting it. I opened up a playlist on my phone and hit “play”.

Then came the answer to my constant prayers and restless heart.

The first song was “Completely” by Among the Thirsty.

“I'm feeling so small
Standing here weeping
As I'm coming clean
Of the secrets I'm keeping
I've caused so much pain
To the ones I love the most
And I'm falling apart
As I carry my heart to Your throne

I am completely surrendering
Finally giving You everything
You're my redeemer, I run to the cross
Because You are more than enough
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely”

That was it. That was what God was asking me to do, to surrender, to stop striving, to give Him space and let Him work. I sang/mouthed/sobbed those words and the rest of the song as a confession and felt so much weight lifting off my shoulders, even carrying my 10 pound baby in a sling. I praised God in that moment first for His answer to prayer and second for the relief I felt at finally not holding on for one. more. second.

As if that wasn’t enough, God gave me another answer in the next song, “Come as you Are” by Crowder.

“Come out of sadness from wherever you've been
Come broken hearted let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner, come kneel

Earth has no sorrow
That Heaven can't heal

So, lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer, come home
You're not too far
So, lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are”

The invitation and the promise that He could and would fix it, that no burden was too great, that he felt my broken heart and longed to restore it, I just had to relinquish control first and come to Him whole-heartedly. It would be another two days before my situation improved dramatically. But in those two days I had something I’d been lacking: patience, clarity, and hope. And hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:5).

From the bottom of my broken now mended heart: thank you to my sisters in Christ, Jennifer Maxwell and Sara Whitworth, for standing in the gap and interceding on my behalf. Friends, our Lord heard your prayers.