Sleep Training "Success"

We've been sleep training this week...

Let me give you some background first: Coleman has always nursed himself to sleep. Even as a newborn, he would drift off, then fall off, then wake up, fuss and re-latch himself and start all over again. Consequently, I've been the only one who could put him down to sleep at our house. Somehow, at Suzan's house and at daycare and out in public, he'll fall asleep with rocking or swaying, but come time for bed or nap time at home, he has to 'suck to soothe'.

So, we were getting some sleep, but I was getting pretty tired. I figured out how to nurse laying down, which led to co-sleeping for naps, which led to co-sleeping at night, which meant a great night's sleep for Coleman, but Scott and I would wake up stiff and sore and not at all well-rested. Also, if I wasn't home at bedtime, he couldn't fall asleep and would end up severely over-tired.

I asked my pediatrician if he was old enough for sleep training and she said yes, that given his strong attachment to me and his strong association with nursing to fall asleep that the Ferber method would be best. This is a kind of "crying it out" with progressive waiting without picking him up if he's okay to teach him to fall asleep on his own. It sounds harsh, but it's harder on Momma than on the baby. Dr. Lovette also warned that her baby cried for FIVE HOURS the first night.

So here we go: at bed time the first night he cried for an hour, and then slept for 5 before waking up to eat, but went back to sleep on his own after crying for only 20 minutes. It's gotten easier each night with maybe only 10 minutes of crying each night at bedtime and going right back to sleep after a feeding or diaper change. The past two nights, he's gotten 12 hours of sleep (aside from brief wakings to eat) which is appropriate for an infant his age.

7 pm to 7 am. Perfect. Unless you realize that he gets dropped off at the sitter's at 7:45 and not picked up until 5:30 or a little later. Unless you realize that Scott leaves the house at 6 am and never gets home before 8 pm. I get about 2 hours with my baby, Scott hasn't seen him in 2 days. I knew this time was coming, but I was dreading it. I know that we're doing what's best for him, but honestly, I hate with every fiber of my being that I dont't get to spend more time with him.

Then there's the 'what-ifs'. What if he becomes more attached to the sitter than to us? What if he forgets who we are (especially Scott)? What if we miss every milestone from here on out? What if we're dissolving all of those special attachments and binding time and security that co-sleeping provided? What if my milk supply drops because he's not there to stimulate production all night? I feel so selfish to want to keep him awake longer, and then I feel selfish for getting him to bed early because it gives me some much needed time to get chores done, take sometime for myself and get some decent sleep.

So yes, sleep training has worked well, and I have a very happy baby in the mornings, but at a bigger cost to Scott and myself than I could have imagined. I think that's why I put it off so long and held on to being 'the only one' as long as I could. Like so many other things in our life right now, it's a catch 22. I suppose we'll muddle our way through this, too. I just hope we don't miss out on too much.