Sad Day

Cleansing breath....

Reasons that it's a good thing to put my 8 week old child in day care:

1. Socialization - he'll be used to other kids and used to other people taking care of him
2. Scheduling - they'll give him some structure instead of indulging him at every turn
3. Variation - he'll get out of the house and be exposed to new things
4. Independance - he'll learn to rely on himself instead of on me
5. Good habits - he'll learn to fall asleep on his own (or at least without nursing) and maybe they'll get him to take a pacifier

That's what I'm telling myself, anyways. That's how I'm going to get through tomorrow, and the next day, and the next week, and the next month. The truth is I am heartbroken, utterly and totally. For sooo many reasons, too many to list. And I'm not sure if I'm just being a typical guilty-feeling back-to-work-full-time Mommy or if God has laid it on my heart so strongly that I'm supposed to completely change my life. That 8 years of school and 5 years of work isn't really what I'm meant to do with my life. This feels like the worst decision I've ever made, and the very thought of it has brought me to tears nearly every day for the past 8 weeks. Guilt compounds every time I'm tired and frustrated and my milk is low and then I feel like I'm wasting precious moments, that I should just be honored to be spending time with my sweet baby, even at 3 am.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to wear my waterproof mascara, leave the house early so I have time to go get a "fancy" coffee and cry in the truck before work, pump as often as possible - milk is the only connection I'll have to him during the day - and plaster a brave smile on my face, and count the seconds until 5:30. Here's hoping I have a lot of appointments tomorrow- maybe a farm call or two.

Cutie Pie!!

Unlike his parents, Coleman is quite the camera hog! Our wedding photographer did this newborn photo shoot a few weeks ago. Ideally, she takes newborn pictures when a baby is 5-10 days old, however due to a never ending string of unforeseen circumstances (bad weather, jaundice, newborn rash, her kids getting sick, Granddad in the hospital) we didn't get to take these until he was one month and one day old. No matter. I love this pics and have them to remember my little munchkin. He already looks different, more like a little boy than a baby. Enjoy!

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fjbaileyphotography.zenfolio.com%2Fcoleman&h=eAQHfyKKN

Church

Needless to say, nothing is the same as it was B.C. (Before Coleman). This includes going to church.


This morning we were rushing around to get all three of us ready and out the door in time to make it for worship (forget class!). I find this very stressful for some reason. Me rushing to get showered, dressed (so difficult since none of my clothes fit or the ones that do have limited boob access), fixed-up, and the diaper bag ready before he wakes up from his early morning nap. Then having to wake him from said nap to change his diaper yet again and load him up into his car seat. This sets him off and if we're lucky he's stopped crying before we get to town. Then you've got Scott, who comes in from the dairy, and in his own frustratingly slow, but endearing way, eats breakfast, shaves, showers and gets ready then acts like he's waiting on me (which he is, wonder why?).


So by the time we get to the building, I'm left wondering why on earth I even try. I'm not going to be able to focus on the lesson, even if I get to stay seated through it. If he's sleeping, I sit there and think about how I should be, too. Sometimes I question my motives: am I there to worship and praise my God or to show off my son and be showered with compliments? Or do I simply need an excuse to get out of the house?

Today was no exception. He started fussing before the children at the front stared the second song. It was time for brunch, so I took him in the cry room to feed him. As I sat there rocking my nursing baby, I realized how completely content I was. I was worshiping- I was in awe of God's handiwork, I was singing songs of praise, and He and Coleman were teaching me lessons I would never learn by just reading or listening to someone speak. He drifted off to sleep nursing and woke up when I burped him and was in a great mood. I laid him in the crib and he played and kicked and cooed until his heart was content. I have no idea what the sermon was about, but I overheard something about Godly joy. Looking down at my child smiling and talking back at me, I realized that I have the best example of earthly joy there is and I've been sooo lucky to have him for 24 hours a day for the past 6 weeks, 1 day.

I would have missed that lesson if he had just quietly slept through the service. So glad for this small inconvenience, which turned out to be so much more than just another feeding for Coleman. Instead, we both got fed to the fullest.