Sad Day

Cleansing breath....

Reasons that it's a good thing to put my 8 week old child in day care:

1. Socialization - he'll be used to other kids and used to other people taking care of him
2. Scheduling - they'll give him some structure instead of indulging him at every turn
3. Variation - he'll get out of the house and be exposed to new things
4. Independance - he'll learn to rely on himself instead of on me
5. Good habits - he'll learn to fall asleep on his own (or at least without nursing) and maybe they'll get him to take a pacifier

That's what I'm telling myself, anyways. That's how I'm going to get through tomorrow, and the next day, and the next week, and the next month. The truth is I am heartbroken, utterly and totally. For sooo many reasons, too many to list. And I'm not sure if I'm just being a typical guilty-feeling back-to-work-full-time Mommy or if God has laid it on my heart so strongly that I'm supposed to completely change my life. That 8 years of school and 5 years of work isn't really what I'm meant to do with my life. This feels like the worst decision I've ever made, and the very thought of it has brought me to tears nearly every day for the past 8 weeks. Guilt compounds every time I'm tired and frustrated and my milk is low and then I feel like I'm wasting precious moments, that I should just be honored to be spending time with my sweet baby, even at 3 am.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to wear my waterproof mascara, leave the house early so I have time to go get a "fancy" coffee and cry in the truck before work, pump as often as possible - milk is the only connection I'll have to him during the day - and plaster a brave smile on my face, and count the seconds until 5:30. Here's hoping I have a lot of appointments tomorrow- maybe a farm call or two.