Cleansing breath....
Reasons that it's a good thing to put my 8 week old child in day care:
1. Socialization - he'll be used to other kids and used to other people taking care of him
2. Scheduling - they'll give him some structure instead of indulging him at every turn
3. Variation - he'll get out of the house and be exposed to new things
4. Independance - he'll learn to rely on himself instead of on me
5. Good habits - he'll learn to fall asleep on his own (or at least without nursing) and maybe they'll get him to take a pacifier
That's what I'm telling myself, anyways. That's how I'm going to get through tomorrow, and the next day, and the next week, and the next month. The truth is I am heartbroken, utterly and totally. For sooo many reasons, too many to list. And I'm not sure if I'm just being a typical guilty-feeling back-to-work-full-time Mommy or if God has laid it on my heart so strongly that I'm supposed to completely change my life. That 8 years of school and 5 years of work isn't really what I'm meant to do with my life. This feels like the worst decision I've ever made, and the very thought of it has brought me to tears nearly every day for the past 8 weeks. Guilt compounds every time I'm tired and frustrated and my milk is low and then I feel like I'm wasting precious moments, that I should just be honored to be spending time with my sweet baby, even at 3 am.
So, tomorrow, I'm going to wear my waterproof mascara, leave the house early so I have time to go get a "fancy" coffee and cry in the truck before work, pump as often as possible - milk is the only connection I'll have to him during the day - and plaster a brave smile on my face, and count the seconds until 5:30. Here's hoping I have a lot of appointments tomorrow- maybe a farm call or two.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Cutie Pie!!
Unlike his parents, Coleman is quite the camera hog! Our wedding photographer did this newborn photo shoot a few weeks ago. Ideally, she takes newborn pictures when a baby is 5-10 days old, however due to a never ending string of unforeseen circumstances (bad weather, jaundice, newborn rash, her kids getting sick, Granddad in the hospital) we didn't get to take these until he was one month and one day old. No matter. I love this pics and have them to remember my little munchkin. He already looks different, more like a little boy than a baby. Enjoy!
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fjbaileyphotography.zenfolio.com%2Fcoleman&h=eAQHfyKKN
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fjbaileyphotography.zenfolio.com%2Fcoleman&h=eAQHfyKKN
Monday, April 16, 2012
Church
Needless to say, nothing is the same as it was B.C. (Before Coleman). This includes going to church.
This morning we were rushing around to get all three of us ready and out the door in time to make it for worship (forget class!). I find this very stressful for some reason. Me rushing to get showered, dressed (so difficult since none of my clothes fit or the ones that do have limited boob access), fixed-up, and the diaper bag ready before he wakes up from his early morning nap. Then having to wake him from said nap to change his diaper yet again and load him up into his car seat. This sets him off and if we're lucky he's stopped crying before we get to town. Then you've got Scott, who comes in from the dairy, and in his own frustratingly slow, but endearing way, eats breakfast, shaves, showers and gets ready then acts like he's waiting on me (which he is, wonder why?).
So by the time we get to the building, I'm left wondering why on earth I even try. I'm not going to be able to focus on the lesson, even if I get to stay seated through it. If he's sleeping, I sit there and think about how I should be, too. Sometimes I question my motives: am I there to worship and praise my God or to show off my son and be showered with compliments? Or do I simply need an excuse to get out of the house?
Today was no exception. He started fussing before the children at the front stared the second song. It was time for brunch, so I took him in the cry room to feed him. As I sat there rocking my nursing baby, I realized how completely content I was. I was worshiping- I was in awe of God's handiwork, I was singing songs of praise, and He and Coleman were teaching me lessons I would never learn by just reading or listening to someone speak. He drifted off to sleep nursing and woke up when I burped him and was in a great mood. I laid him in the crib and he played and kicked and cooed until his heart was content. I have no idea what the sermon was about, but I overheard something about Godly joy. Looking down at my child smiling and talking back at me, I realized that I have the best example of earthly joy there is and I've been sooo lucky to have him for 24 hours a day for the past 6 weeks, 1 day.
I would have missed that lesson if he had just quietly slept through the service. So glad for this small inconvenience, which turned out to be so much more than just another feeding for Coleman. Instead, we both got fed to the fullest.
This morning we were rushing around to get all three of us ready and out the door in time to make it for worship (forget class!). I find this very stressful for some reason. Me rushing to get showered, dressed (so difficult since none of my clothes fit or the ones that do have limited boob access), fixed-up, and the diaper bag ready before he wakes up from his early morning nap. Then having to wake him from said nap to change his diaper yet again and load him up into his car seat. This sets him off and if we're lucky he's stopped crying before we get to town. Then you've got Scott, who comes in from the dairy, and in his own frustratingly slow, but endearing way, eats breakfast, shaves, showers and gets ready then acts like he's waiting on me (which he is, wonder why?).
So by the time we get to the building, I'm left wondering why on earth I even try. I'm not going to be able to focus on the lesson, even if I get to stay seated through it. If he's sleeping, I sit there and think about how I should be, too. Sometimes I question my motives: am I there to worship and praise my God or to show off my son and be showered with compliments? Or do I simply need an excuse to get out of the house?
Today was no exception. He started fussing before the children at the front stared the second song. It was time for brunch, so I took him in the cry room to feed him. As I sat there rocking my nursing baby, I realized how completely content I was. I was worshiping- I was in awe of God's handiwork, I was singing songs of praise, and He and Coleman were teaching me lessons I would never learn by just reading or listening to someone speak. He drifted off to sleep nursing and woke up when I burped him and was in a great mood. I laid him in the crib and he played and kicked and cooed until his heart was content. I have no idea what the sermon was about, but I overheard something about Godly joy. Looking down at my child smiling and talking back at me, I realized that I have the best example of earthly joy there is and I've been sooo lucky to have him for 24 hours a day for the past 6 weeks, 1 day.
I would have missed that lesson if he had just quietly slept through the service. So glad for this small inconvenience, which turned out to be so much more than just another feeding for Coleman. Instead, we both got fed to the fullest.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Argh!
Some things that have been bugging me lately.
Rant #1: When people ask me if Coleman is sleeping through the night yet. He's a newborn and needs to eat every 3-4 hours, so by the time I get him fed, burped, changed, and asleep again, it's at least been an hour, maybe 2. Then I have to get myself back to sleep. So, I don't know about you, but I never considered 2-3 hours a full nights sleep. Note: mostly, it is men that ask that question and then they laugh about it. I'm pretty sure that they, like Scott, are getting 6-7 hours in because, somehow, they magically don't hear the baby crying.
Rant #2: When people look at me with pity when I say I'm going back to work full time. Yes, it would be great if I could stay home, and I know that it's the greatest job in the world. And I'm acutely aware that most of my family and several friends have gotten to become stay-at-home moms. BUT, that's not really even an option for us right now, and I'm not sure that I'm cut out to be a fully stay at home mom. Also, several of my very best friends (Jolena, Amanda, you are my heros) have been very successful both as professionals and as Mommies. In a perfect world, I'd love to be part time: I maintain my license and identity and professional skills, my child gets socialized via day care or at least gets to know other people and isn't at home with me all day. So, if you really want to help me feel better, don't feel sorry for me (that makes it worse) but encourage me and point out the good that could come of this. Thanks.
Rant #3: When someone assumes that just because my baby is crying that he's hungry. I am breastfeeding, so there's no way to know how many ounces and what percent fat he's getting at every meal. But he's growing, he has adequate wet and dirty diapers, and is perfectly content after most feedings. But, like all babies, sometimes he doesn't eat well (he tends to fall asleep, or get lazy, and he likes to nurse himself to sleep) and he has a very fussy time of day, accompanied by a temper. He has gotten more and more sensitive to needing a diaper change and he gets overtired very very easily (because he's so busy taking in the world around him). And he tends to get gassy- especially if he didn't eat properly. And, he doesn't really like to be held by very many people- even Scott can't console him when he's fussy. So, instead of jumping to the conclusion that he's hungry, maybe cut us some slack and look for another cause of his distress.
Rant #4: Someone telling me, "You're going to spoil that baby!" He's 6 weeks old- read a book! They will all tell you the same things: 1) You can't spoil a newborn, 2) Newborns don't have the ability to calm themselves, and 3) During the first 2-3 months, you do whatever you can to get through it. He's happy when he's held (I think he may be high-maintenance or strong willed). That's why I hold him most of the day and sleep more often lounging in the chair with him on my chest than in my bed. It might be hard to break him later, but I'd rather have spent the past 6 weeks soaking in every second than regretting making him independent this early (see Rant #2).
That is all, for now.
Rant #1: When people ask me if Coleman is sleeping through the night yet. He's a newborn and needs to eat every 3-4 hours, so by the time I get him fed, burped, changed, and asleep again, it's at least been an hour, maybe 2. Then I have to get myself back to sleep. So, I don't know about you, but I never considered 2-3 hours a full nights sleep. Note: mostly, it is men that ask that question and then they laugh about it. I'm pretty sure that they, like Scott, are getting 6-7 hours in because, somehow, they magically don't hear the baby crying.
Rant #2: When people look at me with pity when I say I'm going back to work full time. Yes, it would be great if I could stay home, and I know that it's the greatest job in the world. And I'm acutely aware that most of my family and several friends have gotten to become stay-at-home moms. BUT, that's not really even an option for us right now, and I'm not sure that I'm cut out to be a fully stay at home mom. Also, several of my very best friends (Jolena, Amanda, you are my heros) have been very successful both as professionals and as Mommies. In a perfect world, I'd love to be part time: I maintain my license and identity and professional skills, my child gets socialized via day care or at least gets to know other people and isn't at home with me all day. So, if you really want to help me feel better, don't feel sorry for me (that makes it worse) but encourage me and point out the good that could come of this. Thanks.
Rant #3: When someone assumes that just because my baby is crying that he's hungry. I am breastfeeding, so there's no way to know how many ounces and what percent fat he's getting at every meal. But he's growing, he has adequate wet and dirty diapers, and is perfectly content after most feedings. But, like all babies, sometimes he doesn't eat well (he tends to fall asleep, or get lazy, and he likes to nurse himself to sleep) and he has a very fussy time of day, accompanied by a temper. He has gotten more and more sensitive to needing a diaper change and he gets overtired very very easily (because he's so busy taking in the world around him). And he tends to get gassy- especially if he didn't eat properly. And, he doesn't really like to be held by very many people- even Scott can't console him when he's fussy. So, instead of jumping to the conclusion that he's hungry, maybe cut us some slack and look for another cause of his distress.
Rant #4: Someone telling me, "You're going to spoil that baby!" He's 6 weeks old- read a book! They will all tell you the same things: 1) You can't spoil a newborn, 2) Newborns don't have the ability to calm themselves, and 3) During the first 2-3 months, you do whatever you can to get through it. He's happy when he's held (I think he may be high-maintenance or strong willed). That's why I hold him most of the day and sleep more often lounging in the chair with him on my chest than in my bed. It might be hard to break him later, but I'd rather have spent the past 6 weeks soaking in every second than regretting making him independent this early (see Rant #2).
That is all, for now.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
One Month
Mr. Coleman~ [Everyone calls you Mr. Coleman, including me, I'm not really sure why]
Really, it's been one month? How is that even possible? I thought time went too quickly when I was pregnant. I don't know how I've already spent that much time with you. Other than one flying trip to Wichita Falls and one hour running errands while you and Daddy took a nap, I have spent the past 31 days getting to know you, learning everything I can about you and how to take care of you better, and falling in love with you. We are beyond fascinated with you. We are amazed at your
~noises: you have started to coo and grunt and find your voice. Sometimes you even laugh in your sleep, which sounds more like a hiccup, but you have a smile on your face and we can tell you are dreaming. We're also trying to learn the difference in your cries, but don't have you figured out yet. And your screaming- my gracious! It's easy to tell when you've had enough!
~movements: your "Moro reflex" is becoming more and more controlled. Your arms still get a little out of control and I think they scare you sometimes, but now you use them to wave around when you're happy. You also kick your feet around and use them to push yourself forward and "stand", with lots of help, of course. You also use your arms and legs to help you throw the biggest fits ever, flailing sporadically, kicking, grabbing at anything to find some comfort.
~expressions: We have never seen anyone communicate more with his face than you do. You have started smiling, which melts my heart. You have the cutest confused look- you wrinkle your brow and purse your lips. When you are mad- oh my gracious! Your bottom jaw quivers as you scream and then you clamp your lips together and roll your bottom lip out so far and pout. You get really excited when it's time to eat- your eyes get really big and your eyebrows go up and you open your mouth as wide as possible. And then, if we try to give you a pacifier, you get that confused look and then push it out and clamp your lips together and look at me like you are disgusted. I can always tell what you are thinking- and I love that.
~tiny little body: you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your miniature body is just perfect and you have the softest skin. I am amazed that our Creator used your Daddy and myself to form you. All of your little organs and parts are working just as they should and I am in awe.
~ your features: I remember wondering, with your Daddy, what you would look like. We knew you would have blond hair, blue eyes, and light skin, but you are such a perfect combination of us. You have a ton of blond hair and definitely have Daddy's widow's peak. You have his ears and the "Harrington bump" on your right ear- according to Grandma. We're not sure whose eyes you have, but they are the most gorgeous shade of blue. I think they will be more like Daddy's- mine have lines in them and his are lighter in the center and so far I think they look like his. You also definitely have the Holloway nose. You have very full lips, and while we both have that, again, they have more definition like his do. So, while I can see more of him than me, you seem to have my chin and face shape- which is why everyone thinks you look like me. You also love to hold your right hand up by your face and I love it when you fall asleep on my chest with your arms up above your head like I do.
~your development: I have loved watching you stretch out and grow. You (We) have learned how to nurse and are doing... okay with that. You are holding your head up very well and like tummy time and playing around on you mat. Also, instead of just screaming for everything, you try to get our attention in other ways- and then your scream if we don't get it immediately. You have also started tracking us from side to side with your eyes and will even turn your head to look at us. :)
~your personality: I think that you are going to be a very strong-willed child. You want what you want when you want it. There is no letting you "cry it out". Your mood changes at the drop of a hat- cooing and kicking around one minute and crying the next. It's already quite apparent that you have a temper- we think that comes from Grandaddy. You like to be picked up and everyone tells me I'm spoiling you, but I don't buy it. You are very attached to me, which of course I love, but I worry that you are going to have a hard time when I go back to work. Also, you are very social and if something is going on around you, you have to be looking around and fight sleep to take it all in, if necessary.
Love,
Mommy & Daddy
 |
| Coleman Scott Holloway April 3, 2012 |
Really, it's been one month? How is that even possible? I thought time went too quickly when I was pregnant. I don't know how I've already spent that much time with you. Other than one flying trip to Wichita Falls and one hour running errands while you and Daddy took a nap, I have spent the past 31 days getting to know you, learning everything I can about you and how to take care of you better, and falling in love with you. We are beyond fascinated with you. We are amazed at your
~noises: you have started to coo and grunt and find your voice. Sometimes you even laugh in your sleep, which sounds more like a hiccup, but you have a smile on your face and we can tell you are dreaming. We're also trying to learn the difference in your cries, but don't have you figured out yet. And your screaming- my gracious! It's easy to tell when you've had enough!
~movements: your "Moro reflex" is becoming more and more controlled. Your arms still get a little out of control and I think they scare you sometimes, but now you use them to wave around when you're happy. You also kick your feet around and use them to push yourself forward and "stand", with lots of help, of course. You also use your arms and legs to help you throw the biggest fits ever, flailing sporadically, kicking, grabbing at anything to find some comfort.
~expressions: We have never seen anyone communicate more with his face than you do. You have started smiling, which melts my heart. You have the cutest confused look- you wrinkle your brow and purse your lips. When you are mad- oh my gracious! Your bottom jaw quivers as you scream and then you clamp your lips together and roll your bottom lip out so far and pout. You get really excited when it's time to eat- your eyes get really big and your eyebrows go up and you open your mouth as wide as possible. And then, if we try to give you a pacifier, you get that confused look and then push it out and clamp your lips together and look at me like you are disgusted. I can always tell what you are thinking- and I love that.
~tiny little body: you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your miniature body is just perfect and you have the softest skin. I am amazed that our Creator used your Daddy and myself to form you. All of your little organs and parts are working just as they should and I am in awe.
~ your features: I remember wondering, with your Daddy, what you would look like. We knew you would have blond hair, blue eyes, and light skin, but you are such a perfect combination of us. You have a ton of blond hair and definitely have Daddy's widow's peak. You have his ears and the "Harrington bump" on your right ear- according to Grandma. We're not sure whose eyes you have, but they are the most gorgeous shade of blue. I think they will be more like Daddy's- mine have lines in them and his are lighter in the center and so far I think they look like his. You also definitely have the Holloway nose. You have very full lips, and while we both have that, again, they have more definition like his do. So, while I can see more of him than me, you seem to have my chin and face shape- which is why everyone thinks you look like me. You also love to hold your right hand up by your face and I love it when you fall asleep on my chest with your arms up above your head like I do.
~your development: I have loved watching you stretch out and grow. You (We) have learned how to nurse and are doing... okay with that. You are holding your head up very well and like tummy time and playing around on you mat. Also, instead of just screaming for everything, you try to get our attention in other ways- and then your scream if we don't get it immediately. You have also started tracking us from side to side with your eyes and will even turn your head to look at us. :)
~your personality: I think that you are going to be a very strong-willed child. You want what you want when you want it. There is no letting you "cry it out". Your mood changes at the drop of a hat- cooing and kicking around one minute and crying the next. It's already quite apparent that you have a temper- we think that comes from Grandaddy. You like to be picked up and everyone tells me I'm spoiling you, but I don't buy it. You are very attached to me, which of course I love, but I worry that you are going to have a hard time when I go back to work. Also, you are very social and if something is going on around you, you have to be looking around and fight sleep to take it all in, if necessary.
Love,
Mommy & Daddy
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Lambing
Random:
On the way to church this morning, we drove past this vacant lot that takes up most of a city block that is in downtown Bowie. It's not an overgrown mess like you would think, but almost like a small pasture with large oak trees and lush grass, but surrounded by a chain link fence and not barbed wire. So, we drive by this lot and there is a flock of sheep in it! Not sure what the city ordinance is on animals in town, but I'm pretty sure a flock of ewes isn't exactly legal. Anyhow, most of them are a little ways away from us, but there is one ewe right up next to the fence- and she is LAMBING. As in, half of a baby sheep is hanging out of her kicking and trying to be born. The ewe gave one final push and the lamb was born and she turned right around and started licking it- right beside our truck! On the way home (an hour and a half later) we drive back past them and the lamb is standing and nursing- just as clean and dry as can be. So amazing and random!
On the way to church this morning, we drove past this vacant lot that takes up most of a city block that is in downtown Bowie. It's not an overgrown mess like you would think, but almost like a small pasture with large oak trees and lush grass, but surrounded by a chain link fence and not barbed wire. So, we drive by this lot and there is a flock of sheep in it! Not sure what the city ordinance is on animals in town, but I'm pretty sure a flock of ewes isn't exactly legal. Anyhow, most of them are a little ways away from us, but there is one ewe right up next to the fence- and she is LAMBING. As in, half of a baby sheep is hanging out of her kicking and trying to be born. The ewe gave one final push and the lamb was born and she turned right around and started licking it- right beside our truck! On the way home (an hour and a half later) we drive back past them and the lamb is standing and nursing- just as clean and dry as can be. So amazing and random!
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