Pity Party for One

I'm fighting some negative thoughts, so I thought that maybe if I purged them, I'd get over it. Here goes:

I think at some point, everyone hits that wall where you say, "what exactly have I accomplished???" I'm there. Reason being, I turn 30 this week. That's why I had such a big push to run that 5K, I needed to do something big for myself before I hit that milestone. I needed something tangible that I had done to hold on to. Silly, I know.

Here's the thing: I'm turning 30. I don't own anything, not even my own vehicle. I still live in a rent house. I'm not my own employer and I'm pretty sure the outlook to buy-in is slim in my current situation. I don't have kids. My husband has a hard-earned master's degree that he can't use in our present situation. We got married so late in life that it's like we're still 23 years old and should be excited and looking towards our future. Instead, it feels like we are 6 points down with 2 minutes left in the 4th quarter and running a sloppy hurry-up offense. We are both striving, struggling, and just generally unsettled.

Don't get me wrong, our marriage is doing fine, but we just simply don't have time to nurture it like we should. I feel like we were robbed of that great phase in life where it was just us and we didn't have a thing to do in the world but be together. There was always something else: work, the dairy, commitments to family and friends. We've never once had a lazy weekend where we slept in, cooked breakfast, and did things around the house. I know this is sharpening us for something down the road, but I really want time with Scott now, when we don't have kids. As it is, we get each other at the end of the day, when there's nothing left to give and exhaustion is all that's left. The thing that's holding us together is that we have reached common ground and understanding. This is where we are and we just have to ride it out and wait for "someday" when things will be better. I digress.

Yes, I know that I have, in fact, accomplished much in my life. I am a doctor at a practice that suits me quite well. I have a husband that God set aside and molded just for me. I have an extended family that loves and supports me. I have a wonderful church family that allows me to grow and learn. I have some awesome friends that will remain friends no matter what the distance or the time between us. I have a God that loves me unconditionally. I have a warm place to live, food on the table, gas in the truck, and the skills needed for a lucrative career. I have more than plenty.

But the desire for more still sneaks in and steals away content, satisfaction, and bliss at the most inconvenient times. Jealousy, covetousness, envy, I'd say that's probably my biggest sin, no way to sugar-coat things. I need to learn to be happy with what I do have and to focus on those wonderful things that are right in front of me and forget the rest. Prayers for this struggle are always appreciated. :)